Saturday, December 14, 2013
Untitled Post
(Let this blank page stay here to represent all the moments I had something profound to say but not the time to express them. I think we have too many "blank page" moments...place holders for as yet unshared experiences)
The Wisdom of Snow
Written 12/14/2013
In Memory of the Victims of Sandy Hook
When you are called to the window by your childlike instinct
or the insistence of your child...to witness, to wonder, to watch
Each fluttering, floating, completely unique flake fall from
heights beyond sight and comprehensions, and we feel
our hearts soar with possibility, and delight at the knowledge.
Too many to count, too quick to move past us, too full to contain;
too much like our selves. Countless numbers of souls around us,
like the infinite number of snowflakes we will encounter and pass.
From the pane of your window, to the pain in your heart, you
move from the inside to the outside...the only way to truly see.
Catching at the corner of your eye, clinging to a lash or two -
face tilted, tongue extending...naturally; 10 years old again.
We find it a simple joy, as easy as pie for breakfast, cartoons
on a Saturday morning - cozy slippers shuffling on a wood floor.
Coffee mug in hand. We are still transfixed by it somehow.
The wisdom of snow, like the wise woman in the child of 10.
The beauty, majesty and unmistakable peace of a snowfall
reminding us of the rapturous wonder and intimate playfulness
of nature, love and life.
By Karen Biscoe-Dufour
In Memory of the Victims of Sandy Hook
When you are called to the window by your childlike instinct
or the insistence of your child...to witness, to wonder, to watch
Each fluttering, floating, completely unique flake fall from
heights beyond sight and comprehensions, and we feel
our hearts soar with possibility, and delight at the knowledge.
Too many to count, too quick to move past us, too full to contain;
too much like our selves. Countless numbers of souls around us,
like the infinite number of snowflakes we will encounter and pass.
From the pane of your window, to the pain in your heart, you
move from the inside to the outside...the only way to truly see.
Catching at the corner of your eye, clinging to a lash or two -
face tilted, tongue extending...naturally; 10 years old again.
We find it a simple joy, as easy as pie for breakfast, cartoons
on a Saturday morning - cozy slippers shuffling on a wood floor.
Coffee mug in hand. We are still transfixed by it somehow.
The wisdom of snow, like the wise woman in the child of 10.
The beauty, majesty and unmistakable peace of a snowfall
reminding us of the rapturous wonder and intimate playfulness
of nature, love and life.
By Karen Biscoe-Dufour
Monday, August 12, 2013
Mars: A nice fixer-upper planet if you don't mind the trip.
I miss writing these blogs. Most of my writing now is for my business, Green Search Partner. The passion I have for writing about green, environmental, social, and spiritual issues has not been forsaken, though! I'm writing regularly on professional hiring issues, but it's not as fulfilling as this blog feels...mostly because this one is uncensored :)!
Let me begin with the inspiration for this piece: Tonight at 6:30 p.m. I pulled into the parking lot of a favorite Chinese takeout restaurant. Not bad Chinese either. I would say it's consistently middle-of-the-road cuisine (Harry will appreciate the inside joke). This place is so popular for it's takeout that the owners removed most of the tables a few years ago, replacing them with a wall-mounted television, pin ball machines and quarter-slot candy/trinket dispensers, because that is about how much time you have between ordering and receiving your dinner.
When parking I noticed the only other car in the lot was a 2010 Ford Mustang. Black, glossy, well cared for, and occupied by two fresh-faced, baseball-capped teenagers. They paid little to no attention to me and the kids as we climbed out of the car, noisily chatting about whatever a Mom, a 9 year old and an 11 year old noisily chatter about. I noticed the car, so did the kids, then I noticed the occupants. They were sitting there, engine off, with their heads bent down over their smart phones like most teenagers and 20 somethings these days. At least, that's what I figured each was holding...until I got a little closer.
Now, this probably sounds like the build up to a shocking, 'cover the children's eyes' moment. Nope, this is a PG-rated segment. What they were doing when we walked into the restaurant was fairly innocent. In fact, it was perfectly legal thrill-seeking. It was what they were doing when we came back out with our dinner that I found absolutely appalling. So appalling, in fact, I actually stopped to question, comment and lecture them some. My poor 9 year old was so offended he was rendered speechless.
These 'just on the other side of 16, so you ought to know better, and by the way, shame on you!' teenagers were scratching lottery tickets and then purposely throwing them out the window onto the ground next to the car! No, they were not aiming for a recycling pail and missing. No, they weren't putting them there for safe-keeping. They were littering the ground around the car...at least half a dozen on the driver's side, and who knows how many on the passenger side. Admittedly, they had no intention of picking them up! I truly thought they were kidding when they said they do this "all the time". Well, that explains a lot.
Who are these kids? Where are their parents? Do they know they have raised two lackadaisical, littering, loitering, lottery losers? Are they aware of the incredible amount of household trash strewing the streets of Whitman and choking the hell out of the vegetation? Of the garbage galavanting in the gutters and riding in the rivulets that run through town? If they do I expect they look the other way, or shut off their conscience as their eyes glance across the mess. Perhaps they even believe that there is a town clean up crew taking care of these things while they're out cruising to the next convenience store which surely holds their million dollar ticket.
And what would they do with that million dollars? Probably get the hell out of Whitman. Why? Because the only thing growing faster than the population here is the trash problem. Despite the current and older generation's multiple attempts to clean up the town's park and common areas, we're still dealing with a boat-load of improperly discarded waste, and a prevalent "it's not my trash, so it's not my problem" attitude. Furthermore, I doubt very much the town is going to issue lidded recycling bins in my lifetime.
Whitman's problems aside, I want to address the bigger issue of what we are teaching our kids at home about respecting this very old, very important planet of ours. I know many good people, friends actually, who still don't recycle on a regular basis. I witness people all around me caught up in the consumption of convenience items, but turning a blind eye to improper disposal of their waste. I watch the garbage truck go up the street, and the trash tippers chatting and laughing absentmindedly while papers, wrappers, plastic bottles and boxes fly out of the back of the truck and into my neighbor's yard. I wait until they are a few houses up, then I go outside and fetch the escaping item and put it in my own bin before the truck makes it's weekly u-turn for my side of the street. I know it's not my trash, but I live here too. If my neighbor were home, I know she would have picked it up. I know she would have done the same kindness for me had the situation been reversed.
What have you taught your kids about recycling and trash disposal? Do they ever ask you where all the stuff goes when it leaves the house? Did you get a chance to describe the overflowing landfills? Did you mention the millions of dirty diapers, milk containers, styrofoam coffee cups and take-out cartons? Have you tried but failed to describe the various colors and textures of plastic pieces and parts that have joined together to form a 3 mile wide island in the middle of the pacific ocean? Did you tell them not to worry? That we're working on it and we hope to leave them something closer to what we inherited from our parents 40, 50 or 60 years ago? Yes, I did too. And when my 9 year old asks me why people litter...a question I get from him almost weekly...I tell him "because they don't know any better". I say this instead of telling him the truth. If you tell a child "they do it because they just don't care" I'm afraid this might send the false message that we as a society maintain some sort of tolerance level for chronic abuse of the planet, and that living here together doesn't require that we all work together to keep it clean. I don't want him to grow up thinking that we own this place, and our occupancy of it is more of a right than a privilege.
I try very hard to instill in my children a sense of civic and social responsibility for the things we buy, consume, use and discard. I see a few of my friends and neighbors participating in their own civic and social responsibilities, but I know we may be outnumbered here by those who don't. In this seven square mile town, the dark and the light of these issues seem hopelessly intertwined. The parents who grew up here want to pass on the cultural and social norms of this once thriving, rural mill town. I know they want for their kids what they had; a small, safe, insulated community where everyone knew everyone else, and you could find your relatives gravestones in the town cemetery several generations past. They want the simpleness of all day long fun in the sun, huffy bikes populating quiet side streets and smiling neighbors greeting them in the parking lot of their church on Sunday mornings. They want to be surrounded still by a population they know and trust. But that's not what life is anymore, and we're grieving that loss. Now, it seems almost normal to see a still-smoldering cigarette butt or rolling beer can in the middle of South Ave on a Sunday afternoon. It seems like it's neither suspicious nor surprising. It seems now like it's just another sign that good old-fashioned American livin' is alive and well here. What a shame.
This town...this PLANET could be such a nice place if we took better care of it. My question is, if we don't take care of it, where are we going to live? I've heard Mars is a possibility...but it's a fixer upper, definitely not turn key like we have here, thick with oxygen, vegetation and livestock. And if the trip out there doesn't kill you, the relocation costs will.
Let me begin with the inspiration for this piece: Tonight at 6:30 p.m. I pulled into the parking lot of a favorite Chinese takeout restaurant. Not bad Chinese either. I would say it's consistently middle-of-the-road cuisine (Harry will appreciate the inside joke). This place is so popular for it's takeout that the owners removed most of the tables a few years ago, replacing them with a wall-mounted television, pin ball machines and quarter-slot candy/trinket dispensers, because that is about how much time you have between ordering and receiving your dinner.
When parking I noticed the only other car in the lot was a 2010 Ford Mustang. Black, glossy, well cared for, and occupied by two fresh-faced, baseball-capped teenagers. They paid little to no attention to me and the kids as we climbed out of the car, noisily chatting about whatever a Mom, a 9 year old and an 11 year old noisily chatter about. I noticed the car, so did the kids, then I noticed the occupants. They were sitting there, engine off, with their heads bent down over their smart phones like most teenagers and 20 somethings these days. At least, that's what I figured each was holding...until I got a little closer.
Now, this probably sounds like the build up to a shocking, 'cover the children's eyes' moment. Nope, this is a PG-rated segment. What they were doing when we walked into the restaurant was fairly innocent. In fact, it was perfectly legal thrill-seeking. It was what they were doing when we came back out with our dinner that I found absolutely appalling. So appalling, in fact, I actually stopped to question, comment and lecture them some. My poor 9 year old was so offended he was rendered speechless.
These 'just on the other side of 16, so you ought to know better, and by the way, shame on you!' teenagers were scratching lottery tickets and then purposely throwing them out the window onto the ground next to the car! No, they were not aiming for a recycling pail and missing. No, they weren't putting them there for safe-keeping. They were littering the ground around the car...at least half a dozen on the driver's side, and who knows how many on the passenger side. Admittedly, they had no intention of picking them up! I truly thought they were kidding when they said they do this "all the time". Well, that explains a lot.
Who are these kids? Where are their parents? Do they know they have raised two lackadaisical, littering, loitering, lottery losers? Are they aware of the incredible amount of household trash strewing the streets of Whitman and choking the hell out of the vegetation? Of the garbage galavanting in the gutters and riding in the rivulets that run through town? If they do I expect they look the other way, or shut off their conscience as their eyes glance across the mess. Perhaps they even believe that there is a town clean up crew taking care of these things while they're out cruising to the next convenience store which surely holds their million dollar ticket.
And what would they do with that million dollars? Probably get the hell out of Whitman. Why? Because the only thing growing faster than the population here is the trash problem. Despite the current and older generation's multiple attempts to clean up the town's park and common areas, we're still dealing with a boat-load of improperly discarded waste, and a prevalent "it's not my trash, so it's not my problem" attitude. Furthermore, I doubt very much the town is going to issue lidded recycling bins in my lifetime.
Whitman's problems aside, I want to address the bigger issue of what we are teaching our kids at home about respecting this very old, very important planet of ours. I know many good people, friends actually, who still don't recycle on a regular basis. I witness people all around me caught up in the consumption of convenience items, but turning a blind eye to improper disposal of their waste. I watch the garbage truck go up the street, and the trash tippers chatting and laughing absentmindedly while papers, wrappers, plastic bottles and boxes fly out of the back of the truck and into my neighbor's yard. I wait until they are a few houses up, then I go outside and fetch the escaping item and put it in my own bin before the truck makes it's weekly u-turn for my side of the street. I know it's not my trash, but I live here too. If my neighbor were home, I know she would have picked it up. I know she would have done the same kindness for me had the situation been reversed.
What have you taught your kids about recycling and trash disposal? Do they ever ask you where all the stuff goes when it leaves the house? Did you get a chance to describe the overflowing landfills? Did you mention the millions of dirty diapers, milk containers, styrofoam coffee cups and take-out cartons? Have you tried but failed to describe the various colors and textures of plastic pieces and parts that have joined together to form a 3 mile wide island in the middle of the pacific ocean? Did you tell them not to worry? That we're working on it and we hope to leave them something closer to what we inherited from our parents 40, 50 or 60 years ago? Yes, I did too. And when my 9 year old asks me why people litter...a question I get from him almost weekly...I tell him "because they don't know any better". I say this instead of telling him the truth. If you tell a child "they do it because they just don't care" I'm afraid this might send the false message that we as a society maintain some sort of tolerance level for chronic abuse of the planet, and that living here together doesn't require that we all work together to keep it clean. I don't want him to grow up thinking that we own this place, and our occupancy of it is more of a right than a privilege.
I try very hard to instill in my children a sense of civic and social responsibility for the things we buy, consume, use and discard. I see a few of my friends and neighbors participating in their own civic and social responsibilities, but I know we may be outnumbered here by those who don't. In this seven square mile town, the dark and the light of these issues seem hopelessly intertwined. The parents who grew up here want to pass on the cultural and social norms of this once thriving, rural mill town. I know they want for their kids what they had; a small, safe, insulated community where everyone knew everyone else, and you could find your relatives gravestones in the town cemetery several generations past. They want the simpleness of all day long fun in the sun, huffy bikes populating quiet side streets and smiling neighbors greeting them in the parking lot of their church on Sunday mornings. They want to be surrounded still by a population they know and trust. But that's not what life is anymore, and we're grieving that loss. Now, it seems almost normal to see a still-smoldering cigarette butt or rolling beer can in the middle of South Ave on a Sunday afternoon. It seems like it's neither suspicious nor surprising. It seems now like it's just another sign that good old-fashioned American livin' is alive and well here. What a shame.
This town...this PLANET could be such a nice place if we took better care of it. My question is, if we don't take care of it, where are we going to live? I've heard Mars is a possibility...but it's a fixer upper, definitely not turn key like we have here, thick with oxygen, vegetation and livestock. And if the trip out there doesn't kill you, the relocation costs will.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Green Collar Justice!!
I heard a piece on NPR the other day about a prison in
Brazil that implemented a program to offer inmates a gradual reduction of their
prison sentence by riding a stationary bike hooked up to a storage
battery. This green energy initiative may
well be the most innovative and simplest approach to supplementing the energy
supply of one town. Not surprising, the
idea originated in the United States, Arizona…to be specific. An Arizona sheriff implemented a program for
female inmates to trade one hour of pedaling for one hour of Television time. You know us Americans, we’ll do anything for
our favorite pastime!! In this case,
however, the inmates were tasked with riding stationary bikes hooked up to
electronic receptors that fed the local grid.
The amount of power they generated offered one small town enough
electricity to power one block of lights for a period of a few hours. It’s genius, and yet, it’s common sense. They get to tone up, their citizens get a
free hour or two of green power.
Basically, a win/win. Why not
require a specific demographic, in this case criminals, repay their debt to
society by doing good “green works” and giving back to society at large? Cycling is very good exercise, challenging those
who are likely dealing with some form of depression or anxiety to increase endorphins,
while simultaneously generating a renewable energy source that decreases our
reliance on fossil fuels. Considering
how our tax dollars provide the majority of funding support for our prison
systems, shouldn’t we all get something back?
I expect this suggestion may be interpreted as some sort of modern day
indentured servitude, but most (perhaps not all) of these people are in prison
by their own doing. They have violated another
citizen, an organization, or a law and are serving time for a reason. Why not allow them to serve their time,
especially in the case of white collar criminals, and pay their debt back to
society by doing actual good for mankind…or, more narrowly, their fellow
Americans? The very thought of seeing a
row of stationary bikes occupied by a long line of Wall Street and HSBC
executives, directly responsible for the downfall of our economy from 2008 to
present, pedaling their asses off in a large, fenced in prison yard sends me
into an almost ecstatic giddiness…a sense of delight and satisfaction only
replicated by a hearty dose of dark chocolate and incredibly good red wine. As it seems there is no ethical or moral
violation too great for one human being to justify (in this case, financial
professionals responsible for the ongoing worldwide economic crisis) in order
to achieve greater professional or financial status, it seems only fair to have
a legitimate and tangible method for these individuals to offset their personal
“toxic footprint”. Putting convicted
criminals on ‘grid bikes’ could subsidize a healthy percentage of our energy
use, assist in lowering our electric bills and offer America an opportunity to regain
its environmental balance.
Now, if you want to take it one step further, how about outfitting
their heads with a beanie…you know, the kind with a propeller? Think of all the
wind power they could generate without anyone worrying about damaging the local
ecosystems or putting up with ocean view obstructions...now that’s genius!
(If I were not so passionate about this idea, I would also
include a wine suggestion. Ok, you’re
right, I’ll get off my soap box now and make a wine suggestion. So, speaking of Brazil, I’ve got a few Latin “lovers”
in my wine cellar as well right now. This vexing little Spanish red called “PERIQUITA”
from Portugal drinks like a sophisticated Tinto. But for $8.80/bottle at Bin Ends in
Braintree, you can drink it any night of the week and still respect yourself in
the morning. Enjoy!)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Be Careful What you Wish For; Christmas 2011
I remember being in love with the Christmas season many years ago. More than in love; passionately, head-over-heels buzzy, fanatically frantic, Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”, 12-Step program addicted to this season. This included the requisite Christmas Eve rush to the mall just to be among the other last-minute lunatics who enjoyed the manic marathon of midnight shopping. Then I’d be up to all hours wrapping gifts just so I could present each loved one with a tag, bag, bow and a story. Not a Christmas story, but a shopping story of the critical consideration invested into that elusive “perfect gift”….all to prove how much you mean to me.
If only I’d taken all that energy and funneled it into building a multi-million dollar empire! Imagine the gifts I’d be able to shower my loved ones with now! But, alas, hind sight is twenty-twenty. No regrets about how I spent Christmas’ past, or any other season for that matter. As I get older I actually get better at being able to look back and understand I was right where I was supposed to be, when I was meant to be there, my entire life. There were lessons to be learned, big and small, all year round. Thank goodness a lot of them have stuck. But even so, there are many more I continue to learn, and learn again. With some, it’s starting to feel like I could teach the course.
Just in time for the season of wishes, wants, intentions and resolutions, I’ve found an unwelcome re-realization coming about in my life that I felt important to share. And, for those of you who know about my personal circumstances over the past two and a half years, you’ll probably find this both humorous and hypocritical. After all the crying, hand-wringing, complaining, supporting, anxious days, weeks and months of teetering on the brink of financial crisis, my husband finally received an offer and accepted a full-time job. This well-deserved turn of events follows a grueling 30 months of unemployment, the last six without any support from the government. And despite how positively this new stability will impact our financial lives, I’m genuinely….well….sad.
The sense of abundance and relief felt after so many months of barely scraping by was sweet and overwhelmingly joyful….for about 2 days. But then the subway-train like screech of metal on metal braking resounded deeply in my head for the week following. That was the sound of the life to which I’d grown accustomed coming to a complete stop. I was finally going to get what I’d wished for, and I realized I wasn’t sure I wanted it anymore.
Not wanting, but needing this stability, is a simple reality of our situation. Intellectually, rationally, emotionally, we all know this. But it doesn’t change the fact that our two children have had two at-home parents for almost three years, and neither of them recalls clearly a time when both of us weren’t there when they got on or off the school bus. Despite the fact that we’ve explained many times how very unique and special our arrangement, educating them on how few families enjoy this privilege… the true understanding of our good fortune won’t be realized until a few weeks into this new arrangement. And I dread the transition on so many levels, for so many reasons, I can’t even begin to explain it in one blog post. But I will say this; I’m losing my right arm, left leg, grocery runner, gardener, laundry service, and lunch companion. Worse, the kids are losing their summer weekday beach-buddy, winter-break sledding Sherpa, kitchen-table tutor, fake wrestling coach and short-order breakfast cook…well, Monday through Friday anyways.
While self-employed, I tend to work very long hours and the busiest part of my day tends to run between 2:00 and 6:00 p.m. When I have west coast clients, I will work as late as 9:00 p.m., even on those days that start around 5:30 a.m. EST. I have been able to work as many as fifteen hours a day, take few breaks yet still manage to throw dinner together and help put the kids to bed. However, most of the shopping, housework, childcare and general home maintenance has fallen onto my husband’s plate. So, as you can guess, things just got a little bit harder. Or, a lot harder…yea, I’m thinking the latter.
Admittedly, we had actively hoped, prayed and waited very patiently for this day to come. If you’re not a religious person, you may still have appreciation for the system of setting universal intention and receiving blessings. I can tell you it works, but not always the way you anticipate, and often not so literally. In our case, we got pretty much what we wished for, and the timing is (for better or worse) what it is. But that there was ever a time when I didn’t completely value the consistency of my husband’s presence, the investment of time he made every day in home-making, or didn’t weigh properly the advantages to having my partner here against a steady paycheck and benefits is just unthinkable now. I’ll even go so far as to say that the major reason most families don’t have this lifestyle isn’t because they don’t want it, or they think it’s unhealthy, it’s because it just isn’t affordable.
I used to complain that I wanted him to have a job so we could have a “healthy separation” and so we would enjoy each other more. Believing the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When I think about those complaints now, I hear a woman struggling to maintain a safe personal distance so she can maximize her earning potential without distraction…and who enjoyed her solitude perhaps a little too much.
At the height of our too-close-for-comfort arrangement, it seemed we were taking each other for granted a bit, and there was no consistency to our communication regardless of how much time we spent together. Well, maybe that was true for the first year, but we finally found a rhythm and rhyme to our days. By the following summer, we had settled into the new arrangement and I began to wonder how anyone runs a household without this kind of daily, hands-on management from both partners. Oddly, we still struggled to find downtime most weekends despite all of the “found” hours during the week.
Now the countdown back to “normalcy” has begun. We are less than one week away from Shawn’s return to the 9-5 grind. We are both, decidedly, resignedly, plodding through this week trying to think about all of the things we wanted to accomplish before next week’s arrival. Now, ironically, we are wishing for more time as a two parent household. And I’m trying every day to peek around the corner and rediscover all the bright sides to our old/new arrangement.
So what’s the lesson here? Well, that’s obvious. This holiday season…when someone asks what you really want during this season of hopes, expectations and gift giving/receiving, consider this; is what you are wishing for something that will make you truly happier? Or, would you be trading in one set of problems for another? Are there things you can afford to live without, but want just because you’ve set up an expectation for yourself and now don’t want to compromise? Does purchasing a brand new car, getting a dog or upgrading to a bigger house mean owning and enjoying them? Perhaps wonderful to have at first, bringing a few months of joy to your life, but eventually, will they own you? Will they take up even more time that you really don’t have, or result in a financial burden that cannot be easily sustained through lean times? That’s the problem with consumerism and modern conveniences, it doesn’t always make your life better or easier…like the advertisers would have you believe.
As to our lifestyles, I wonder how many of us really think about the trade-offs of our hyper-active, overly-committed, achievement-oriented tread-mill of existence. Is this making us happier? I wonder if you sat still long enough, cleared your calendar, sat quietly without distraction, what would you find? Or, more curiously, what would find you?
It took a great effort for me to slow down over the past two plus years, both physically and mentally. It took a very, very long time to get used to, and accept graciously the deepening quiet of my mind. I learned a lot about what’s normal and healthy for me, and the truth about how much I really can handle. I’m now to a point where my mind and my body work together to tell me when I’m taking on too much. And I’ve learned a few valuable lessons about how not to get caught up in the vicious cycle of churn and burn…in particular when someone else wants to man the controls.
Making a daily effort to keep these things in check means being very honest with myself and others, particularly as it relates to work, social commitments and volunteering. Call me a miser, but I’m kind of cheap about how I spend my time and energy. I won’t be using it to chase down all the sales at the mall this year. Who needs that when you have the Internet? (I LOVE online shopping!!)
Instead of wishing for what you want this year, maybe wish for what you need. Figuring that part out shouldn’t be too difficult. We all know what we really need…and we can have it…so long as we’re courageous enough to ask for, and accept it…with love.
In closing…and it deserves repeating…Be careful what you wish for this year, because you just might get it.
Wishing you a joyous, slow-paced, environmentally sensitive, memorable and warm Holiday Season!
(P.S., Check out the Super Tuscan’s right now (Italy). I had a really wonderful red at Stockholders in Weymouth, MA this past weekend. For $8.00 a glass, it was an absolute gem!)
K-
If only I’d taken all that energy and funneled it into building a multi-million dollar empire! Imagine the gifts I’d be able to shower my loved ones with now! But, alas, hind sight is twenty-twenty. No regrets about how I spent Christmas’ past, or any other season for that matter. As I get older I actually get better at being able to look back and understand I was right where I was supposed to be, when I was meant to be there, my entire life. There were lessons to be learned, big and small, all year round. Thank goodness a lot of them have stuck. But even so, there are many more I continue to learn, and learn again. With some, it’s starting to feel like I could teach the course.
Just in time for the season of wishes, wants, intentions and resolutions, I’ve found an unwelcome re-realization coming about in my life that I felt important to share. And, for those of you who know about my personal circumstances over the past two and a half years, you’ll probably find this both humorous and hypocritical. After all the crying, hand-wringing, complaining, supporting, anxious days, weeks and months of teetering on the brink of financial crisis, my husband finally received an offer and accepted a full-time job. This well-deserved turn of events follows a grueling 30 months of unemployment, the last six without any support from the government. And despite how positively this new stability will impact our financial lives, I’m genuinely….well….sad.
The sense of abundance and relief felt after so many months of barely scraping by was sweet and overwhelmingly joyful….for about 2 days. But then the subway-train like screech of metal on metal braking resounded deeply in my head for the week following. That was the sound of the life to which I’d grown accustomed coming to a complete stop. I was finally going to get what I’d wished for, and I realized I wasn’t sure I wanted it anymore.
Not wanting, but needing this stability, is a simple reality of our situation. Intellectually, rationally, emotionally, we all know this. But it doesn’t change the fact that our two children have had two at-home parents for almost three years, and neither of them recalls clearly a time when both of us weren’t there when they got on or off the school bus. Despite the fact that we’ve explained many times how very unique and special our arrangement, educating them on how few families enjoy this privilege… the true understanding of our good fortune won’t be realized until a few weeks into this new arrangement. And I dread the transition on so many levels, for so many reasons, I can’t even begin to explain it in one blog post. But I will say this; I’m losing my right arm, left leg, grocery runner, gardener, laundry service, and lunch companion. Worse, the kids are losing their summer weekday beach-buddy, winter-break sledding Sherpa, kitchen-table tutor, fake wrestling coach and short-order breakfast cook…well, Monday through Friday anyways.
While self-employed, I tend to work very long hours and the busiest part of my day tends to run between 2:00 and 6:00 p.m. When I have west coast clients, I will work as late as 9:00 p.m., even on those days that start around 5:30 a.m. EST. I have been able to work as many as fifteen hours a day, take few breaks yet still manage to throw dinner together and help put the kids to bed. However, most of the shopping, housework, childcare and general home maintenance has fallen onto my husband’s plate. So, as you can guess, things just got a little bit harder. Or, a lot harder…yea, I’m thinking the latter.
Admittedly, we had actively hoped, prayed and waited very patiently for this day to come. If you’re not a religious person, you may still have appreciation for the system of setting universal intention and receiving blessings. I can tell you it works, but not always the way you anticipate, and often not so literally. In our case, we got pretty much what we wished for, and the timing is (for better or worse) what it is. But that there was ever a time when I didn’t completely value the consistency of my husband’s presence, the investment of time he made every day in home-making, or didn’t weigh properly the advantages to having my partner here against a steady paycheck and benefits is just unthinkable now. I’ll even go so far as to say that the major reason most families don’t have this lifestyle isn’t because they don’t want it, or they think it’s unhealthy, it’s because it just isn’t affordable.
I used to complain that I wanted him to have a job so we could have a “healthy separation” and so we would enjoy each other more. Believing the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When I think about those complaints now, I hear a woman struggling to maintain a safe personal distance so she can maximize her earning potential without distraction…and who enjoyed her solitude perhaps a little too much.
At the height of our too-close-for-comfort arrangement, it seemed we were taking each other for granted a bit, and there was no consistency to our communication regardless of how much time we spent together. Well, maybe that was true for the first year, but we finally found a rhythm and rhyme to our days. By the following summer, we had settled into the new arrangement and I began to wonder how anyone runs a household without this kind of daily, hands-on management from both partners. Oddly, we still struggled to find downtime most weekends despite all of the “found” hours during the week.
Now the countdown back to “normalcy” has begun. We are less than one week away from Shawn’s return to the 9-5 grind. We are both, decidedly, resignedly, plodding through this week trying to think about all of the things we wanted to accomplish before next week’s arrival. Now, ironically, we are wishing for more time as a two parent household. And I’m trying every day to peek around the corner and rediscover all the bright sides to our old/new arrangement.
So what’s the lesson here? Well, that’s obvious. This holiday season…when someone asks what you really want during this season of hopes, expectations and gift giving/receiving, consider this; is what you are wishing for something that will make you truly happier? Or, would you be trading in one set of problems for another? Are there things you can afford to live without, but want just because you’ve set up an expectation for yourself and now don’t want to compromise? Does purchasing a brand new car, getting a dog or upgrading to a bigger house mean owning and enjoying them? Perhaps wonderful to have at first, bringing a few months of joy to your life, but eventually, will they own you? Will they take up even more time that you really don’t have, or result in a financial burden that cannot be easily sustained through lean times? That’s the problem with consumerism and modern conveniences, it doesn’t always make your life better or easier…like the advertisers would have you believe.
As to our lifestyles, I wonder how many of us really think about the trade-offs of our hyper-active, overly-committed, achievement-oriented tread-mill of existence. Is this making us happier? I wonder if you sat still long enough, cleared your calendar, sat quietly without distraction, what would you find? Or, more curiously, what would find you?
It took a great effort for me to slow down over the past two plus years, both physically and mentally. It took a very, very long time to get used to, and accept graciously the deepening quiet of my mind. I learned a lot about what’s normal and healthy for me, and the truth about how much I really can handle. I’m now to a point where my mind and my body work together to tell me when I’m taking on too much. And I’ve learned a few valuable lessons about how not to get caught up in the vicious cycle of churn and burn…in particular when someone else wants to man the controls.
Making a daily effort to keep these things in check means being very honest with myself and others, particularly as it relates to work, social commitments and volunteering. Call me a miser, but I’m kind of cheap about how I spend my time and energy. I won’t be using it to chase down all the sales at the mall this year. Who needs that when you have the Internet? (I LOVE online shopping!!)
Instead of wishing for what you want this year, maybe wish for what you need. Figuring that part out shouldn’t be too difficult. We all know what we really need…and we can have it…so long as we’re courageous enough to ask for, and accept it…with love.
In closing…and it deserves repeating…Be careful what you wish for this year, because you just might get it.
Wishing you a joyous, slow-paced, environmentally sensitive, memorable and warm Holiday Season!
(P.S., Check out the Super Tuscan’s right now (Italy). I had a really wonderful red at Stockholders in Weymouth, MA this past weekend. For $8.00 a glass, it was an absolute gem!)
K-
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Post Script from the 7 Day Detox Cleanse
This is one of my all-time favorite poems. I keep it tacked up in my bathroom cabinet and found myself reading it a lot this week. It has a special significance for me, and I hope the words inspire a deeper connection with your self, too
Love After Love
The time will come when,
with elation, you will greet yourself arriving,
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here.
Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another,
who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Author: Derek Walcott
Love After Love
The time will come when,
with elation, you will greet yourself arriving,
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here.
Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another,
who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Author: Derek Walcott
Day 7 of the Cleanse
Today was a very unusual day, full of ups and downs, and I struggled to stay connected spiritually to my purpose thoughout. But there were a few high points worth mentioning.
The day started off at 5:45 with a more vigorous yoga practice. I used Comcast's On-Demand service to tune into a yoga flow sequence as I had just woken up and wasn't ready for the restorative video offered on the Yoga Journal's site for Day 7. Tea and breakfast around 8:45 and a frantic race out the door for church. And that's where the fun began! Today the sermon was a religious, cultural and historical dive into the subject of Fasting. Not simply the starving of oneself for days or weeks, instead we explored the text book definition of fasting which entails the ritual of eating only one type of food for a period of time, or the elimination of particular foods for a period of time...much like lent. We also heard about the origins of fasting and details on the more severe forms, including religious purification and hunger strikes for civil, political or other causes.
I couldn't believe this was the topic of the sermon, talk about kismet! At the end there was a discussion where members of the congregation were encouraged to offer their experience with, or ask questions about, fasting. So, of course, I did "the Big Share". I had a lot of people approach me after service to ask about the purpose of the cleanse, my primary motivation, and what the results were for me. In short I told them I would do another cleanse and may try something different next time for variety, but that I would also do this again next year.
The other realization I had today was that I need a bit more variation in my diet going forward. It is very easy to start incorporating more exotic varietals of vegetables and fruits on a regular basis. I also want to make rice more of a staple versus a once a week side dish for me and my family. I plan to continue to practice yoga and meditate every day, and journal as often as I can. I have also begun mapping out plans to participate in other local wellness events, including a women's day-long retreat in October. It is more critical now than ever that we stay in touch with our higher selves, stay grounded and connected to ourselves and others. It is equally important to look for opportunities to give back to our communities and our planet. There are so many great organizations out there to consider, and many only require a small amount of time and focus for regular participation...such as Moving Planet (www.moving-planet.org). Selecting one that has meaning and resonates for you is the first criteria, and it's great if you can get a friend to do it with you.
The other high point of the day was realizing that I have choices tomorrow for sustenance, and that I still have kitchari leftover if I have a craving. I really like the heartiness of the dish and have started to think about variations.
The low point today was fatigue, and I did get a headache tonight, too. I am slightly anemic so this may be the culprit, and though I was tempted to cook a steak for dinner, I took a different tack and ate a handful of organic raw pepitas to add a shot of iron to my blood. I chased that with a half litre of water just in case mild dehydration was the culprit.
The headache was my only discomfort in this whole process, and it may be unrelated to the Detox. My son came home from school on Thursday with a little something extra...this year's first cold. While I had been hopeful that the cleanse would throw up a road block against such trespassers, it's possible that had I started the cleanse a few days before, my system might have been less vulnerable. In any case, now I know what to do with the leftover potatoes and carrots from the potassium broth. In my experience, there is no better way to feed a cold than with homemade chicken soup!
Ok, so clearly I'm not going the vegan route, not permanently anyway. I can deal with a twice annual 7-Day Detox Cleanse, but the girl likes her New York strip, occasional pulled pork and chicken sausages. Moderation!
Whatever your reason for reading this, I hope you found the informaton useful, helpful or, at the very least, entertaining. Feel free to email me with questions at karen@greensearchpartner.com
Namaste!!
The day started off at 5:45 with a more vigorous yoga practice. I used Comcast's On-Demand service to tune into a yoga flow sequence as I had just woken up and wasn't ready for the restorative video offered on the Yoga Journal's site for Day 7. Tea and breakfast around 8:45 and a frantic race out the door for church. And that's where the fun began! Today the sermon was a religious, cultural and historical dive into the subject of Fasting. Not simply the starving of oneself for days or weeks, instead we explored the text book definition of fasting which entails the ritual of eating only one type of food for a period of time, or the elimination of particular foods for a period of time...much like lent. We also heard about the origins of fasting and details on the more severe forms, including religious purification and hunger strikes for civil, political or other causes.
I couldn't believe this was the topic of the sermon, talk about kismet! At the end there was a discussion where members of the congregation were encouraged to offer their experience with, or ask questions about, fasting. So, of course, I did "the Big Share". I had a lot of people approach me after service to ask about the purpose of the cleanse, my primary motivation, and what the results were for me. In short I told them I would do another cleanse and may try something different next time for variety, but that I would also do this again next year.
The other realization I had today was that I need a bit more variation in my diet going forward. It is very easy to start incorporating more exotic varietals of vegetables and fruits on a regular basis. I also want to make rice more of a staple versus a once a week side dish for me and my family. I plan to continue to practice yoga and meditate every day, and journal as often as I can. I have also begun mapping out plans to participate in other local wellness events, including a women's day-long retreat in October. It is more critical now than ever that we stay in touch with our higher selves, stay grounded and connected to ourselves and others. It is equally important to look for opportunities to give back to our communities and our planet. There are so many great organizations out there to consider, and many only require a small amount of time and focus for regular participation...such as Moving Planet (www.moving-planet.org). Selecting one that has meaning and resonates for you is the first criteria, and it's great if you can get a friend to do it with you.
The other high point of the day was realizing that I have choices tomorrow for sustenance, and that I still have kitchari leftover if I have a craving. I really like the heartiness of the dish and have started to think about variations.
The low point today was fatigue, and I did get a headache tonight, too. I am slightly anemic so this may be the culprit, and though I was tempted to cook a steak for dinner, I took a different tack and ate a handful of organic raw pepitas to add a shot of iron to my blood. I chased that with a half litre of water just in case mild dehydration was the culprit.
The headache was my only discomfort in this whole process, and it may be unrelated to the Detox. My son came home from school on Thursday with a little something extra...this year's first cold. While I had been hopeful that the cleanse would throw up a road block against such trespassers, it's possible that had I started the cleanse a few days before, my system might have been less vulnerable. In any case, now I know what to do with the leftover potatoes and carrots from the potassium broth. In my experience, there is no better way to feed a cold than with homemade chicken soup!
Ok, so clearly I'm not going the vegan route, not permanently anyway. I can deal with a twice annual 7-Day Detox Cleanse, but the girl likes her New York strip, occasional pulled pork and chicken sausages. Moderation!
Whatever your reason for reading this, I hope you found the informaton useful, helpful or, at the very least, entertaining. Feel free to email me with questions at karen@greensearchpartner.com
Namaste!!
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