Ode to the Fruitcake...a poem

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except me in my blouse
I was stirring and stirring and scraping the bowl
Nary a raisin nor cherry left out of the fold
As the oven was heating, I said a small prayer
That no one would wake and find me down here
I waited with patience for the last sleepy head
to finally start yawning and head up to bed
A secret I’ve kept for about 35 years
Afraid of the ridicule, the whispers, the stares
And yet every time someone mentions the word
Each person in earshot agrees it’s absurd
“Who’d actually eat it?” they’d ask all disgusted
“Not me” I’d reply, hoping I won’t get busted
But it’s not fair, you know, living with this denial
Not sharing my love for what others claim is so vile
When the jokes start to roll about how gross this confection
Often re-gifted or thrown out, I feel its rejection
Not standing up for its odd texture and bright flavors
Results in a shame that year by year never waivers
Instead of get angry, I just bake them for gifting
And as each one rises I feel my spirits lifting
Some day I’ll “Come Out” and confess my real passion
For this Christmas delight that knows no compassion
Let them talk, let them laugh, I won’t give a hoot
Just leave me alone with my cake made of fruit

Girlfriend Salad

Enduring friendships and other things to be grateful for…

Like anyone with something to say, lots of some-things, I hemmed and hawed over this piece for at least a week before committing to an idea. I thought maybe Thanksgiving Day would provide required inspiration for an emerging theme. Overall, it’s been a really tough year and being grateful for all of the blessings in my life is something I have to practice actively or I lose perspective…so I really can’t sit here and preach about how important it is to sustain an attitude of gratitude when I struggle with it daily.

On Thanksgiving morning, after a pretty rough night of too much wine and way too many cookies, I knew I had to get with the program quickly. If my husband’s family starts going around the table asking each person what they are thankful for, I had to come up with something profound and unpredictable…you know, something they didn’t see coming, just to see if they’re paying attention. So I started with the basics. I began by ticking these off each finger and thought of how each might inspire my answer…and hopefully, my blog. Ok, we’ve got health, food, shelter, family, a sense of humor…wow, I’m at five…need to use my other hand; a career in the midst of resuscitation, a recession in the midst of rebounding, a husband in the midst of self-discovery & reclamation, and the basic creature comforts (cable and a library card). Then I got stuck…so I stopped at nine figuring anything beyond that will sound like gloating.

What served as excellent dinner conversation did not suffice as blog inspiration, however. So, I gave myself a few days to allow an idea to percolate. When it finally came, it was in the form of a knock on my front door and an unexpected visit from one of my best friends. By the end of our impromptu visit, it was crystal clear to me what I needed to say.

It occurs to me that maybe it wasn’t a coincidence that I called this blog “GreenSoul”…it may have been a sort of unconscious epiphany about being a new soul, a young soul, a “green” soul. I am still learning, we all are, that’s not news. But what does it mean when you start to re-learn? What I mean is I’m getting lots of reminders about things I had down pat twenty years ago. For example, I used to make something called “fridge salad”. I would open the fridge and just throw whatever looked good and pretty fresh into a bowl and splash lo-cal dressing on it. I even went into the cereal closet and figured out what would stand up to dressing and what wouldn’t (All Bran looks hearty, but it really doesn’t hold up under pressure). Making a salad is more fun when you throw things in that are decidedly “unsalad-like” ingredients. Like, Chex cereal or mini shredded wheat. Ever chop up a baked potato and throw it in to some lettuce with carrots, cukes and ranch or blue cheese dressing? It’s good stuff! When did my salads get so orthodox? The most exciting thing I put in salad now is a pair of exotic wooden salad tongs, a gift I received from a world-traveling friend last Christmas. I’m going back to my funky “fridge salad” practices starting tomorrow. The other re-realization is that regular aerobic activity really does give you the energy to get through a whole day. I’m not longer tempted to “rest my eyes” for a few minutes around 3:00 p.m., nor am I threatened by an impromptu face-plant into my keyboard at 8:30 at night. I actually do feel awake and alert most of the day…most days…except for those days when I have a glass of red wine with dinner (recently fallen in love with Beaujolais…a world of yum in a bottle!).

What does salad have to do with a visit from a close friend? Good question, I’m not quite sure how I got there either, but let me see if I can make sense of this…for both you and me. My closest friends are the ones I made in my twenties. This was a time in my life I was certainly the most raw, the most insecure, the most self-involved and the most idealistic. God, I was so happy on my 30^th birthday! One of the things I did really right in my early twenties though was attract and maintain a strong circle of friends. This has been the one investment that has always had the most tremendous ROI. I can count my closest friends on one hand, and each of those fingers represents a relationship this is over twenty years in the making. Each one is precious, irreplaceable and each has nurtured some part of my green soul over these many years. They always have been and, God willing, continue to be a central beam in the support system of my overall “house”…these stewards of enduring female friendship. Over the years these incredible people have been, at one time or another, my soul mate, teacher, sister, mother, confidant, sounding board, mirror, life-coach, career advisor, and change-agent. They are my touchstone, my voice of reason, my shoulder to lean on, and my lasso of truth. We don’t spend as much time together in the same room as we once did, but it’s that incredible sense of shared experiences, terrific chemistry, and a deep understanding of the other’s personal history that binds us together. I love knowing that no matter how infrequent the calls or meetings over coffee, the next time we talk we’ll pick up right where we left off the day, week, month or year before. These are the women with whom I will continue to share all the significant moments of my life, who I will call when I just can’t take it anymore, with whom I will celebrate successes, holidays and all of life’s major events, and who I would mourn and grieve endlessly for should they pass on before me. They are all unique, all inspiring and all equally responsible for contributing to the continuing development of my Green Soul. My friends, you know who you are, but just in case….I’m toasting you this holiday season, Jude, Darlene, Jodi & Adina.

I love you all very much.

High Quality of Life on a Low Income

I start my weekends with an eye toward making a wonderful dinner with whatever we have in the house. Then I challenge my culinary wizardry by creating something that I hope to convince my kids tastes as good as it smells. If I could just get them to wear blind folds before sitting down, I could probably get them to try just about anything. I've made a game of cooking at home with a myriad of food stuffs, frozen, packaged and fresh. Sale items at the grocery store offer consistent, if not odd, inspirational content. In addition to finding creative cooking inspiration, I've also gained some insight on how important it is to take note of expiration dates before you get to the checkout. Stop & Shop in particular is famous for leaving too many expired items out for the rushed and too trusting shoppers among us.

Living high quality on a low income...easy to do in the confines of my kitchen. Much harder philosophy to apply out in the world. But I'm learning how to do this, and it's going ... um... ok. We're not wealthy, never have been, but we were doing ok before the crash. Despite how much I pride myself in being able to exercise frugality relative to my budget...I struggle with the constant new reality of having very little disposable income. I can't sustain the lifestyle I used to lead, spending on the occasional small pleasures because I could. This includes that twice weekly Starbucks latte and taking my kids to Bugaboo Creek because they love the animation and wondrous variety of desserts. Spending like this is both a habit and provides that little bit of adrenal rush that I no longer get from aforementioned latte. But, like I said, I'm still learning. And last night's class offers a perfect case study. I went to a jewelry party at my sister's house, more to provide party-prep support and cheap wine. I decided pre-arrival I would not spend anything. Two glasses of wine later, I began mindlessly thumbing through the pages. I didn't love anything I saw and figured I'd be able to hold onto my resolve. Not 30 minutes later I started trying things on, another 45 minutes passed and I was buying, bartering and booking (a party). Honestly, she was a great salesperson. I liquified into an easy target. Staying within a reasonable price range wasn't a problem. I didn't like a lot of what was there, so I bought one small piece that was exactly my style and isn't like anything else I own. Justify, justify, justify. It's just too easy to "forget" and slightly loosen what should be a very tight fist when surrounded by others who are doing the very same thing. It's a form of consumer peer pressure that these in-home party companies use to get us girls in a buying mood. Add alcohol and viola! Watch those profit margins soar!! I can see how this habit of consumer compulsion, if gone unchecked, can get one into a state of buyers remorse quicker than you can screw the cap off one more bottle of South African Cabernet (2008 Man Vintners....pretty good for $8.00). And, really, that's what it boils down to. Buying superfluous stuff is, for me anyway, a habit of sorts. When your purchase power begins to drop, the way you think about what you have and what you need has to follow suit. If your spending requires a monumental shift in reverse, then you need to form mental habits and constant reminders of where you actually are financially. I'm trying to get into the habit of checking my bank balance before I leave the house to go to the grocery store, the mall, or to work...at the wine shop, where I get a discount on already ridiculously low priced excellent wines. It's like putting a cat in charge of the canary cage...and giving her the keys. Poor tweety, he just doesn't stand a chance.
What else can I do? Write my current balance in the palm of my hand with a Sharpie pen? At the risk of looking like the target of an indecent proposal, it may be the best way to keep my financial standing right in front of my face...at least until I stop at the mall restroom, and wash my hands.

GreenSoul - 1st Entry

Well, I'm pretty sure I've finally lost it. It was unavoidable, really. Anything worth holding on to is also worth grieving over once it's gone. Possessions, objects of sentimental value, money, sanity...that's right, sanity. I'm not alone. I see the same look on the many faces I see at the grocery store, the subway, standing in line at the bank. Loss...lots and lots of loss and the sense that you just misplaced it and need to figure out how to get it back. So many of us aren't all that prepared to deal with it, and we're not thrilled about what it really says about us. But the loss of your lifestyle is painful and confusing. I look like I'm fine with it, but really...I'm confused. It's a funny look actually. It's the facial expression best described as a fretful distraction and disconnection. The look one wears when searching unsuccessfully for keys, gloves or sunglasses while someone patiently waits for them. I can't pinpoint exactly what month, week or day this began to happen to me but I'm pretty sure it was in between the last week of June and today...the 24th of September 2009, I finally lost my composure and began to display this look, this behavior, regularly. The look of distraction, disconnection...loss.

Did you grow up like me? Work hard, follow your gut, take calculated risks, believe in yourself and you will achieve your dreams. Did those dreams include the idea that maybe you could do just a bit better than your parents? The house, the car, the college fund and the annual two week vacation...these were basic ideals (not all are needs...just wants). And it didn't seem unachievable, and you didn't have a sense of entitlement about it. You knew what you had to do, and damn it, you were happy to make the necessary sacrifices. Did you ever question the foundation of your value system? Well, I am doing that right now. And, to be honest, it's a really big challenge. How do you change a trajectory that you spent most of your life following...over night?! I have to create a whole new version of my personal American Dream. It's going to be wildly different...and I'm not sure whether I'm going to like it. Live more with less...of everything. Let go of capitalism, materialism...all the ism's. Can I genuinely embrace this? I know it's right, but it's definitely not easy.