Work/Life Balance, and other Myths

Despite my love affair with fall, this season has been a struggle. I am struggling to balance a lighter-than-normal work load with the needs and demands of motherhood, an aging house, authoring two blogs and a book, and developing a workshop. I am once again working against that ever-present reminder of forever fleeting moments...Mr. Clock. Work is over-rated, we all know that. Even if you enjoy what you do for a living, I mean really love it, there's still a need for idle time and stillness. But I think I have finally given in to the fact that there probably is no such thing as consistent balance. Hell, I read it somewhere that the whole work/life balance notion is an utter myth! Do you disagree?

Now I'm not the expert here, and while I too railed against that statement at first glance (because it wiped out any hope I had that I was finally doing something right), I read the whole article. It didn't take long for me to admit I saw writer's the logic. She was right. The concept of being able to sustain a strong work/life balance was not a long-term solution...for anybody. And I was living the proof. You can't work hard at a career without making a lot of personal sacrifice. You can't raise a family with stay-at-home ideals without sacrificing your career aspirations, or at best, putting them on hold. No matter how you slice it, something's gotta give. I've thought long and hard about this subject so I'll put this out there for your review, consideration and entertainment.

It's reasonable to think that if a person works an average of 40 hours a week and sleeps 49 hours a week (average 7 hours/night), that out of 168 hours a week we are left with about 79 hours for "balanced" time. Now, that might sound like a pretty good start, and one might reason that they've got a shot at enjoying some well-deserved R&R each week. But now consider these averages: 5-10 hours a week commuting, 7-14 hours a week cooking, 2-7 hours a week cleaning, 1.5-4 hours a week doing laundry, and 4-7 hours a week on personal grooming. These essential tasks require approximately 19.5 hours on the low end. The low end is typically enjoyed by single people and retirees, or for the purpose of this blog, Category 1. You all have about 60 hours of blissful free time each week...not too shabby!

On the high end, that's about 42 hours of unpaid but necessary work, leaving you about 37 hours of fun-filled pleasure seeking. The high end is represented by the average stay-at-home, self-employed or full-time employed active parent (active meaning the kids are still home and dependent), or Category 2.

But that's still pretty much "pie-in-the-sky" thinking, isn't it? Because you still have to add in grocery shopping, Bobby's soccer games, Susie's dance lessons, going to church, bill-paying and organizing your desk, running errands, making phone calls and other necessary tasks...tacking another 20 hours minimum onto your weekly to-do list...that's approximately 62 hours of essential busy-ness.

Review: 168 hours/week

49 sleeping (7 hrs/night avg)
40 working
42 basic busy-ness
(20)added hours for active parents
+____
151 hours

168 - 151 = 17 hours


As category 1, single or married with no dependents, you probably have enough time to work out, take a class, read a book, enjoy one or two other personal pursuits, and keep an active social calendar. If you're working, you may even spend more time in the office, but generally speaking, life is pretty good.

But as a working or stay-at-home parent (Category 2), there's precious little time for you. And, if you are a child and care-taker of aging parents (Category 3), you can conservatively tack on another 8-10 hours. If you plan really carefully, this provides you with about 7 hours to do whatever spins your mittens each week. But, if you're a person who works a more realistic average of 45-50 hours a week (Category 4), it's not likely you have the luxury of spinning anything...unless it's yourself...in circles. Hence, my use of Categories 1 - 4. Yep, your life probably feels very much like a hurricane.

This is when you have to be a true master of time management. This is why getting out for a walk, a seminar, enjoying a hobby or even sitting down with a girlfriend is an all out luxury. Are you realizing there's no balance in your work/life balance? How shocking!

Myth 1: Work/Life Balance: A balancing act is precisely that...it's an act. It's not real. Maintaining a theoretical work/life balance is just something else to work at and keep in mind, and then measure one's personal and professional productivity against. In other words, a set up for failure. Pursuing that great balance requires planning, effort and energy. Just like every other pursuit in life. Realizing it's a waste of time will free you up to seek more tangible rewards. So find another definition for a successful lifestyle, and get comfortable with managing expectations (yours and others). Compromise is key. There are lots of things not worth doing that won't matter in the long run.

Let's talk about another widely held, yet completely over-rated virtue...Myth #2: Multi-tasking. As I was waiting for a client call yesterday I found myself thinking, vacuum in hand pausing over the bathroom rug, that most of my life I have lived by the old adage "anything worth doing is worth doing well". This is still very true for me. Then I thought about all the days in the past five years I spent working and sort of cleaning, cooking and playing with my children...sort of. I wasn't doing any of these things well. And that's the problem with multi-tasking. Standing there kneeling over my bathroom rug, working diligently to clean up every obvious strand of hair and piece of lint, before the phone rang and broke my stride, I had that fateful moment of deep realization. I discovered yet another work/life contradiction, multi-tasking is not only ineffective, it's neither healthy nor very practical. I put my vacuum down and went back to my desk and waited patiently for the call that came moments later.

And it turns out I'm not alone. There are a lot of people who are keenly aware that having your attention split in too many directions at once can result in things like poor work product, unfinished projects, ineffective communication and even car accidents. In the work place, multi-tasking is no longer the widely-embraced and beloved hallmark of an extremely productive person. The ritual practice of multi-tasking has become more about what you're willing to compromise on and not about how much you are successful at accomplishing fully every day. So, how about a few more of these revelations...if you can stomach it:

Myth #3: Work Hard/Play Hard: My motto? Work to live, don't live to work. And if your work feels like play, you're very lucky. Having a career is fine, if that's what you want. But there's nothing wrong with a paycheck mentality if it brings you both peace of mind, and back to your doorstep earlier in the day to be with family, or your cat...who or whatever is waiting at home for you. Even if it's a novel, a bath and a glass of wine or cup of tea. This is what it's all about! It is the working wounded who need to take a step back and think about whether another two hours in the office on a Thursday night is worth the effort when there are squash courts to be run around on, and phone calls to your best friend to be made. In these days of high unemployment rates, the gleeful and gainfully employed among us need regular recharging. Human-doing cannot trump human-being all the time without compromising health and happiness in the process.

Enough myth-busting, here are some truisms I'd like to spread:

Guilty pleasure is an oxy-moron: If you're going to have that piece of chocolate, that glass of wine, those gorgeous black boots or call in sick for a much deserved mental health day, don't undo the joy by beating yourself up for it later. Enjoy every blessed aspect of that pleasure!

Regular cardio-aerobic activity is not always good for you: Stop feeling guilt and shame about missing a few days of running, spinning or whatever vigorous exercise program you employ with exquisite discipline. This is critical to do in particular if exercise is your vice. Don't just give yourself permission to skip it for a day, actually make yourself step away from it completely for two weeks to a month and meditate instead. Ask yourself, why do I feel bad if I don't run, bike, or use the elliptical four times a week? What can come through to an open mind and heart is sometimes only realized through stillness and inner peace, and can impact your psyche so positively you'll wonder why you've been running from yourself for so long. The answer was right there the whole time. Giving your body a much needed time out can also do wonders for any trigger points in your body that may be setting up for injury without you even realizing it. One way to find out if you have any trigger points is to see a local neuro-muscular massage therapist. Not only are they skilled at finding the trigger points, but a really good one can work them out within 4-6 sessions. Reikki can also help target and relieve some of these areas, but a hands-on massage is worth every penny when given by an expert.

Charity feeds the soul: We all know this is true, but how about charity starts at home? How many times a year do you think about the fundamental needs of your siblings, parents, nieces/nephews, or extended family, and try to find a way to meet them without being asked? For example, perhaps you have a sister who is a single parent and never seems to have time to do anything for herself. How about taking her child/ren for a few hours and allowing her the precious time she needs to regroup and recharge? I'm not suggesting that your consistent gift of emotional support isn't appreciated, but the demands upon a single parent are a constant challenge. A little time away from the little ones provides a rare opportunity to relax and rejuvenate. Do you have an uncle whose dishwasher is broken, an aunt whose house could use a bit of TLC, or a parent who is no longer able to navigate a snow-blower? Why not hire a local handy-man to do a few hours worth of work to help with these small tasks? Or, strike a contract with a local 16-17 year old trustworthy neighborhood kid to plow out your parents every time there's a major snow storm? This not only helps your parents out with a difficult and somewhat potentially dangerous task, but can also provide you a certain peace of mind in whatever distant town or state you currently reside. With the season of giving fast approaching, this is a fantastic time to make a difference in the lives of others...your family, that is.

And, because we started with myths here's another one I'll end with. You can't drink red wine with fish. Who says? You sure can, depending on the fish and how it's prepared. For example, salmon cooked with any kind of tomato-based sauce can pair nicely with a Pinot Noir, or a fruity Chianti. Some might even suggest a Cabernet blend...but that's where you have to be careful. Too much body and spice will take over and overwhelm your palate. If you don't like red wine at all with fish, but you're not a chardonnay fan and find Sauvignon Blanc too citrus-y this time of year, try a white Cotes de Rhone! It's a revelation in every glass! How did this balanced, sophisticated beauty escape my attention for so long? The French may have cornered the market on excellent yet delightfully inexpensive white Cotes de Rhone. Try to get your hands on a bottle of 2009 Les Violettes at Bin Ends in Braintree. Make sure it's good and chilled, and serve it in place of your usual winter whites. You will NOT be disappointed! Also goes great w/ hearty cheeses.

Namaste!