Snakes and Butterflies

I give a lot of advice lately to my 13 year-old daughter in an effort to help her navigate the beauty and brutality of the world around her as she “teen-ages”.  The memories trapped in my mind from Junior High (her Middle School) may be dusty, but the sense of excitement, fear, confusion and transcendence is fresh as dirt.  She’s way smarter than me…I know she’ll be fine.

I tell her almost every day “love yourself first”.  She thinks she knows what this means, but it so much more complex than anyone her age can really appreciate. Actually, it’s hard for people of all ages to remember to love themselves. In the midst of a moment we don’t even realize we are participating in mini acts of self-destruction, all chipping away at our self-worth.  And I don’t mean the obvious ones relative to physical and emotional self-care, I mean the little messages you send yourself all day long. We are not only distracted by our distractions, but we are in a constant state of judgement about them as well…something is either good or bad, right or wrong. 

When we are caught up in these streams of thought, checking out of the present moment robs us of our ability to stay connected to ourselves.  Our minds are almost always “somewhere else”.  This is often where we are focused most of the time.  It’s the equivalent to emotional snacking between meals.  We spend so much time chewing on mental minutia between the fortifying 3-5 fundamental meals of our every day, it’s no wonder we all feel so exhausted.  Drained.  Flightless.  (For example my 3-5 meals; caring for myself, caring for loved ones, work, play, rest)

I realized this morning there is a fair bit of hypocrisy in my advice to her, and I wondered how many others are, like me, struggling to be true to themselves and others?  I bet it’s most of us…maybe, all of us…except for monks.  They seem to have their shit together.

I realized that in order for me to take my own advice, I needed to examine my every day routines, thought patterns, and monitor my stream of consciousness regularly.  There are too many moments of distraction that I fear are undermining this “call to love”.  

  

While I can’t get back all the time I have wasted wondering and worrying about the minutia, I decided to try and “trap” these moments so I can really look at them, understanding them for what they are, and learn from them.  I am calling this list “Snakes and Butterflies”… and not because I have anything against snakes, or I think butterflies are the most awesome representation of self-love (primarily because they have a super short life span), but more for the feelings each invokes. Many people are afraid of snakes, and the sense of foreboding that image evokes may be enough to let you know you’re about to step off your path and stumble into the underbrush of self-compromise.  If you’re not afraid of snakes (like me) than you can at least appreciate the religious and cross-cultural multi-metaphors snakes illicit; deceit, insidiousness, predatory, opportunistic, and influential…well, that’s more a biblical reference.

In either case, whether you see something as a snake or a butterfly, either can be caught in a “trap” to be examined, then kept, released, or disposed of.  Not every butterfly needs to be released, and not every snake should be disposed of…some of them you can keep because they serve a higher purpose.  Just don’t feed the butterflies to the snakes…that’s mean.   

Everyone I know has difficulty setting boundaries, limits and monitoring their stream of consciousness.  Even though I am aware and understand what it is to “be present in the moment” that doesn’t mean I’m always great at it.  In fact, many days, I fail spectacularly.  So, this is my list.  Not all will apply so add other items that are unique to you:

Setting up your traps:

Give it a couple of days, maybe a week.  Any time you find yourself participating in one of these activities, check the column it feels most like.  Did this thought/activity feel heavy, dark, or fearful?  It’s a snake.  Did it feel light, inspiring, uplifting?  It’s a butterfly. 

See this as an opportunity to create more self-awareness and please DO NOT judge yourself regardless of how many snakes or butterflies you trap.  Both have value and serve a higher purpose.  This is just an exercise in figuring out what you’re thinking about/doing with your one wild and precious life*.  What you do with the information is up to you.

                                                                                Traps

Boundaries;                                             Snakes             Butterflies

What you tell others about you

            

Giving/receiving advice & help

Work/social commitments

Spending time/money on others

Chasing down people

Favors (offering)

Limits;                                        

            

Cell phone/Computer time

    Facebook/Pinterest, etc.

Working

Phone calls

Eating/Drinking

Chores/Housekeeping

Exercise

Shopping         

Stream of Consciousness;

What/why am I thinking about:

Myself (note details on another page)

Another person

      In any one of these;

   relationship

   situation

                           personal habit

                           professional problem

   conversation

                              (real or imagined) 

                           past moment

                           potential moment

                           near future

   distant future

                          

Some good follow on questions…again, don’t judge yourself or your answers.  Just be aware:

Do you see any patterns emerging?  Can you figure out which activities, people or situations are taking up most of your mental time?  Are these activities, people or situations serving you or are they draining you?  Can you find a mantra, phrase, poem or single word to bring your mind back to what you are doing in the moment? Does this repeating this mantra (or whatever you choose) help to bring perspective, lower stress or create more awareness and make you feel lighter?     

            

*Thank you, Mary Oliver, for coining that awesome phrase.

Joni Knows the Score

Lyrics from Both Sides Now

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Balancing Acts...a completed post from 2010.

It's been quite a while since my last post, primarily because I have been completely inundated with work...isn't that good to hear? It's not that I'm bragging, though I am aware how lucky I am to be working again. But, it's the realization that in a role like mine, hiring for companies, that news has an impact like a laser beam tearing through this murky, unyielding job market like a big jagged rip of light through a cloudy, starless night. I'm psyched! Every time I make an offer it's like throwing out a life preserver to a very grateful survivor. Granted, it's not my boat, but I am enjoying the cruise.

Funny thing about boats though, it's a struggle to find your balance. Once you do, it's walking on land again that feels odd. Balance; it's a perception that can change based on where your standing. I've been working so much lately that an hour with my kids in the evening feels something like a balance between work and home. I have worked strictly from home for five years, offering plenty of opportunity for a reasonable work/life balance. Keeping a balance while working at home for some might be finding the discipline every day to put in a full eight hours at your desk when you could just as easily be tackling the laundry, the gardening or answering another of ten thousand calls to action that you hear from every corner of your home life. For me, keeping balance means trying to wrap up a last minute call in order to dash down the stairs, eat dinner(without choking or working up a case of indigestion), only to run back up the stairs right after to take another call, check emails and respond to yet another inquiry from an excited/anxious candidate, and be available to help put the kids to bed...at 8:30 p.m. My day started at 6:00 with checking and responding to emails...and it pretty much ends the same way 14 hours later. It's partly self-induced, and partly due to the needs of the business. I love to be busy, to feel engaged and involved...and invested. At the end of the day, I'm serving people and I'm getting paid to do something I love. Balance is somewhat of a luxury for me right now, and unfortunately, because of the nature of my work, I miss out on a lot.

There's an image of a see/saw in my head sometimes when I think about the lack of balance in my life. I wonder whether the life side will ever strike a static parallel position to the work side and the ground. I don't know if that's even reasonable to consider.  There's a part of me that truly believes there's really no such thing as work/life balance...it's just a concept designed to make us feel guilty about not making time for other people or purposes in our lives.  Making us feel as though there are more balls than hands to catch them, but you must try, try, try...even though you know its a fool's game.  I do believe in give and take though, and I also believe in creating moments instead of waiting for them to happen.  Setting the stage for a memorable day is something I have become very good at, and I'm not ashamed to admit that my kids are totally aware when I'm doing it.  But I think it's important to point out to children those moments that are not ordinary, and how to recognize when love is leaning right up against your shoulder.  Throw your arm around it quick, before its gets away from you!  I'll date myself a bit and say I live for these "Kodak Moments". 

........

I am now finishing this post...four years later...and sometimes miss the days when the phone was ringing non-stop.  I have found that magic balance between home and life.  I got what I wished for...and I know the risks and rewards of it.  While my business has decidedly taken a back seat to my life, I no longer make impulse purchases or book weekend getaways "just because".  We're watching our pennies, dimes, nickels and every bit of currency we earn.  The flip side is that our relationship has never been better, our kids never happier, our hearts never healthier.  I may never be much more than a one-woman show with a manageable book of business, and that's ok.  But I'll also never from a lack of love, food or happiness.

Up with the Birds, or The "Selfish" Mom

Most mornings I am up by 5:30, latest.  I don't require an alarm anymore, unless you want to consider my hard-core commuting husband an early "morning" system.  Since his bid for a flexible work schedule  was granted in mid 2013, I find it increasingly more difficult to sleep past 5:00 am, which is about the time he is leaving the house for his job in Lexington.  From 5 to 6 am is my time for contemplation, meditation and self-devotion.  That may sound excessive, especially for a business owner with two very active elementary school-aged children, but I expect I am not alone in my daily ritual of "prayer" and introspection.  I know a few people (mostly women) who spend hours each week flexing internal spiritual muscle and toning self-awareness.  I hope they also share my attitude about spending time on oneself.

Sadly, it's not only common, it is long considered a social norm for women to put themselves last on the list of healthy personal engagement.  I know too many Moms who declare they just don't have the time to work out, meditate, or read a good book.  So when I talk about my "self-involved self-evolvement", it's not to compare value systems as much as to evaluate the effectiveness of a strong spiritual program.  I really do wonder how other Mom's maintain physical/psychological/emotional balance if they aren't taking care of themselves.  Do they all just get together and drink a lot of wine like on so many television shows?  Don't get me wrong, I do like my wide-bulb glass of red something.  But I need more than just an occasional night out with the girls to blow off a little steam.  I need something lasting.  And I have it!

Last year I was introduced to a book by Marianne Williamson called "A Return to Love".  My sister-in-law sent it to me after a long, heart-felt conversation about my second separation from my husband.  She had trouble describing it to me, likely because I was only half listening.  I came away from that phone call thinking this was perhaps an attempt to convert me to Christianity.  (While she is a born-again Christian, and we have had some spirited debates, KC has never really pushed her philosophies on me.)  But I trusted she knew us well enough to know what the problem was, and even though she's no marriage counselor, she is an extremely good listener.  Maybe this was an opening and an opportunity to show me why my marriage was a mess.  And at this point, I was willing to try anything.

I opened the package the moment it hit my mail box, cracked the cover, and can say for the first time since reading my first Stephen King novel, I could NOT put it down.  She was absolutely right, it was nothing like what I imagined it would be.  It was not a self-help book on how to love your husband.  It was not a guide to the perfect marriage or the latest celebrity guru offering nebulous, well intentioned advice on how your big problem all boiled down to a lack of sex.  It had nothing whatsoever to do with fixing my marriage.  It had everything to do with fixing my relationship with myself through fixing my relationship with (gulp) God.

It was an addicting read with a page-turning quality I had not experienced in years.  And, as it turns out, there was nothing really wrong with either of us.  We just had the wrong idea about what real love is, and what it isn't.

Now, if you know me, you know nothing will turn my stomach faster than bible thumping, sermon-filled monotheistic, cult-promoting organized religion.  But that's what made this book special.  There's nothing 'organized religion' about it.  There is no set doctrine or belief system you have to adhere to get something out of it.  It's a very simple statement of a simple fact.  You have a direct, one-to-one relationship to a higher power.  There is no middleman.  There are no rules to how you must use it.

Just use it.  Voila!!

If you ascribe to the stereotypical Zeus-like figure in cloud-colored robes rolling about the heavens and throwing his weight around, that's cool!  Or maybe you prefer a more modern interpretation of a loving, light-filled, non-gender specific being...maybe even one that influences the weather, and all your decisions without your even being aware of it.  Great!  Or, perhaps you're even more ambivalent about religion, and just a strong believer in equal treatment and justice for all.  Fantastic!  But where ever you land on the spectrum, almost everyone believes in some force greater than themselves.  And, if you don't, that's fine too....but I just have to wonder what YOU yell out in bed.

In any case, I'm surrounded by people who are church-going, doctrine-abiding, lay theologians in their own right.  But I like to remain a free agent.  Regardless, it seems people who have a regular spiritual program handle life's up and downs just a bit better than people who don't.  Not to over simplify, but this makes me wonder if its only a matter of priority and perspective?  I treat my spiritual "daily bread" as though it were part of my exercise routine.  It's just something I do because it feels good and contributes to a happier day.  Not that every day is guaranteed to be an absolute joy fest, but there's something to be said for having the emotional flexibility and foundation to roll with the punches, take the bumps and bruises, and keep on going.  Especially when the hits just keep on coming, and bed time is another six hours away!

For me, it is both a matter of virtue and vindication to not get hung up on the irritations and minor infractions others may/may not intend to drop on my doorstep.  That doesn't mean I always succeed.  But I keep trying.  If not just a matter of letting go of my ego, I need also to let go of the desire to personalize an injury.  In other words, for a person who prefers to remain in good emotional balance, it becomes a habit of letting themselves and others "off the hook" for the minor and major trespasses done by them, or to them by others.   After all, maybe what someone said/did had absolutely nothing to do with you.  They're just having a bad day, and you happen to be a witness.  And that's all you need to take with you.  Leave the rest on the doorstep.  The trash truck of time will be along shortly to haul it away.

More importantly, this kind of "love thy neighbor" good will is just as effective when applied to yourself.  By listening closely to your inner dialogue and identifying those "voices" that are so mean you would never consider inviting them into your kitchen for coffee, you can get a lot of mental peace by showing them the door the moment they show up.  Clearing accusations against yourself and others, and forgiving...on the spot...someone's misuse of your good will allows you to go about your day with a clear mind.  Staying present and not reliving the past moments or thinking about how you 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' allows you a faster and more direct route to true perspective.  Worry, regret, resentment...all keep a person tethered to a past moment and the future.  Well, you're not in either of those places, are you?  So, why "dwell" there?  Staying attuned to what is going on right now is the key to happiness.

My final thought on self-evolvement:  It is not selfish at all, it is actually self-less.  What looks like daily naval gazing is actually a deep commitment to mankind.  Asking for guidance on how to be a better person so that you can contribute your good works to the earth, and it's people, is an investment of yourself that pays major dividends to everyone around you.  And even if you are praying for a new job, a reliable general contractor or a lottery win, hopefully you are spreading around some good karmic vibes while you're at it.  But even if you don't meditate, I will tell you it's amazing what you can see, hear and feel at 5 o'clock in the morning.

Wine, Women and Wisdom:  I usually end my blog posts with a wine suggestion.  But as I've become more thoughtful about my diet, I don't have anything to suggest but this play on words:

"Abstinence makes the mind not wander"





 

Untitled Post

(Let this blank page stay here to represent all the moments I had something profound to say but not the time to express them.  I think we have too many "blank page" moments...place holders for as yet unshared experiences)

The Wisdom of Snow

Written 12/14/2013
In Memory of the Victims of Sandy Hook

When you are called to the window by your childlike instinct
or the insistence of your child...to witness, to wonder, to watch
Each fluttering, floating, completely unique flake fall from
heights beyond sight and comprehensions, and we feel
our hearts soar with possibility, and delight at the knowledge.

Too many to count, too quick to move past us, too full to contain;
too much like our selves.  Countless numbers of souls around us,
like the infinite number of snowflakes we will encounter and pass.

From the pane of your window, to the pain in your heart, you
move from the inside to the outside...the only way to truly see.
Catching at the corner of your eye, clinging to a lash or two -
face tilted, tongue extending...naturally; 10 years old again.

We find it a simple joy, as easy as pie for breakfast, cartoons
on a Saturday morning - cozy slippers shuffling on a wood floor.
Coffee mug in hand.  We are still transfixed by it somehow.

The wisdom of snow, like the wise woman in the child of 10.
The beauty, majesty and unmistakable peace of a snowfall
reminding us of the rapturous wonder and intimate playfulness
of nature, love and life.

By Karen Biscoe-Dufour

Mars: A nice fixer-upper planet if you don't mind the trip.

I miss writing these blogs.  Most of my writing now is for my business, Green Search Partner.  The passion I have for writing about green, environmental, social, and spiritual issues has not been forsaken, though!  I'm writing regularly on professional hiring issues, but it's not as fulfilling as this blog feels...mostly because this one is uncensored :)!

Let me begin with the inspiration for this piece:  Tonight at 6:30 p.m. I pulled into the parking lot of a favorite Chinese takeout restaurant.  Not bad Chinese either.  I would say it's consistently middle-of-the-road cuisine (Harry will appreciate the inside joke).  This place is so popular for it's takeout that the owners removed most of the tables a few years ago, replacing them with a wall-mounted television, pin ball machines and quarter-slot candy/trinket dispensers, because that is about how much time you have between ordering and receiving your dinner. 

When parking I noticed the only other car in the lot was a 2010 Ford Mustang.  Black, glossy, well cared for, and occupied by two fresh-faced, baseball-capped teenagers.  They paid little to no attention to me and the kids as we climbed out of the car, noisily chatting about whatever a Mom, a 9 year old and an 11 year old noisily chatter about.  I noticed the car, so did the kids, then I noticed the occupants.  They were sitting there, engine off, with their heads bent down over their smart phones like most teenagers and 20 somethings these days.  At least, that's what I figured each was holding...until I got a little closer.

Now, this probably sounds like the build up to a shocking, 'cover the children's eyes' moment.  Nope, this is a PG-rated segment.  What they were doing when we walked into the restaurant was fairly innocent.  In fact, it was perfectly legal thrill-seeking.  It was what they were doing when we came back out with our dinner that I found absolutely appalling.  So appalling, in fact, I actually stopped to question, comment and lecture them some.  My poor 9 year old was so offended he was rendered speechless.

These 'just on the other side of 16, so you ought to know better, and by the way, shame on you!' teenagers were scratching lottery tickets and then purposely throwing them out the window onto the ground next to the car!  No, they were not aiming for a recycling pail and missing.  No, they weren't putting them there for safe-keeping.  They were littering the ground around the car...at least half a dozen on the driver's side, and who knows how many on the passenger side.  Admittedly, they had no intention of picking them up!  I truly thought they were kidding when they said they do this "all the time".  Well, that explains a lot.

Who are these kids?  Where are their parents?  Do they know they have raised two lackadaisical, littering, loitering, lottery losers?  Are they aware of the incredible amount of household trash strewing the streets of Whitman and choking the hell out of the vegetation? Of the garbage galavanting in the gutters and riding in the rivulets that run through town?   If they do I expect they look the other way, or shut off their conscience as their eyes glance across the mess.  Perhaps they even believe that there is a town clean up crew taking care of these things while they're out cruising to the next convenience store which surely holds their million dollar ticket.

And what would they do with that million dollars?  Probably get the hell out of Whitman.  Why?  Because the only thing growing faster than the population here is the trash problem.  Despite the current and older generation's multiple attempts to clean up the town's park and common areas, we're still dealing with a boat-load of improperly discarded waste, and a prevalent "it's not my trash, so it's not my problem" attitude.  Furthermore, I doubt very much the town is going to issue lidded recycling bins in my lifetime.

Whitman's problems aside, I want to address the bigger issue of what we are teaching our kids at home about respecting this very old, very important planet of ours.  I know many good people, friends actually, who still don't recycle on a regular basis.  I witness people all around me caught up in the consumption of convenience items, but turning a blind eye to improper disposal of their waste.  I watch the garbage truck go up the street, and the trash tippers chatting and laughing absentmindedly while papers, wrappers, plastic bottles and boxes fly out of the back of the truck and into my neighbor's yard.  I wait until they are a few houses up, then I go outside and fetch the escaping item and put it in my own bin before the truck makes it's weekly u-turn for my side of the street.  I know it's not my trash, but I live here too.  If my neighbor were home, I know she would have picked it up.  I know she would have done the same kindness for me had the situation been reversed.

What have you taught your kids about recycling and trash disposal?  Do they ever ask you where all the stuff goes when it leaves the house?  Did you get a chance to describe the overflowing landfills?  Did you mention the millions of dirty diapers, milk containers, styrofoam coffee cups and take-out cartons?  Have you tried but failed to describe the various colors and textures of plastic pieces and parts that have joined together to form a 3 mile wide island in the middle of the pacific ocean?  Did you tell them not to worry?  That we're working on it and we hope to leave them something closer to what we inherited from our parents 40, 50 or 60 years ago?  Yes, I did too.  And when my 9 year old asks me why people litter...a question I get from him almost weekly...I tell him "because they don't know any better".  I say this instead of telling him the truth.  If you tell a child "they do it because they just don't care" I'm afraid this might send the false message that we as a society maintain some sort of tolerance level for chronic abuse of the planet, and that living here together doesn't require that we all work together to keep it clean.  I don't want him to grow up thinking that we own this place, and our occupancy of it is more of a right than a privilege.

I try very hard to instill in my children a sense of civic and social responsibility for the things we buy, consume, use and discard.  I see a few of my friends and neighbors participating in their own civic and social responsibilities, but I know we may be outnumbered here by those who don't.  In this seven square mile town, the dark and the light of these issues seem hopelessly intertwined.  The parents who grew up here want to pass on the cultural and social norms of this once thriving, rural mill town.  I know they want for their kids what they had; a small, safe, insulated community where everyone knew everyone else, and you could find your relatives gravestones in the town cemetery several generations past.  They want the simpleness of all day long fun in the sun, huffy bikes populating quiet side streets and smiling neighbors greeting them in the parking lot of their church on Sunday mornings.  They want to be surrounded still by a population they know and trust.  But that's not what life is anymore, and we're grieving that loss.  Now, it seems almost normal to see a still-smoldering cigarette butt or rolling beer can in the middle of South Ave on a Sunday afternoon.  It seems like it's neither suspicious nor surprising.  It seems now like it's just another sign that good old-fashioned American livin' is alive and well here.  What a shame.

This town...this PLANET could be such a nice place if we took better care of it.  My question is, if we don't take care of it, where are we going to live?  I've heard Mars is a possibility...but it's a fixer upper, definitely not turn key like we have here, thick with oxygen, vegetation and livestock.  And if the trip out there doesn't kill you, the relocation costs will.