Lyrics from Both Sides Now
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
Friday, April 4, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Balancing Acts...a completed post from 2010.
It's been quite a while since my last post, primarily because I have been completely inundated with work...isn't that good to hear? It's not that I'm bragging, though I am aware how lucky I am to be working again. But, it's the realization that in a role like mine, hiring for companies, that news has an impact like a laser beam tearing through this murky, unyielding job market like a big jagged rip of light through a cloudy, starless night. I'm psyched! Every time I make an offer it's like throwing out a life preserver to a very grateful survivor. Granted, it's not my boat, but I am enjoying the cruise.
Funny thing about boats though, it's a struggle to find your balance. Once you do, it's walking on land again that feels odd. Balance; it's a perception that can change based on where your standing. I've been working so much lately that an hour with my kids in the evening feels something like a balance between work and home. I have worked strictly from home for five years, offering plenty of opportunity for a reasonable work/life balance. Keeping a balance while working at home for some might be finding the discipline every day to put in a full eight hours at your desk when you could just as easily be tackling the laundry, the gardening or answering another of ten thousand calls to action that you hear from every corner of your home life. For me, keeping balance means trying to wrap up a last minute call in order to dash down the stairs, eat dinner(without choking or working up a case of indigestion), only to run back up the stairs right after to take another call, check emails and respond to yet another inquiry from an excited/anxious candidate, and be available to help put the kids to bed...at 8:30 p.m. My day started at 6:00 with checking and responding to emails...and it pretty much ends the same way 14 hours later. It's partly self-induced, and partly due to the needs of the business. I love to be busy, to feel engaged and involved...and invested. At the end of the day, I'm serving people and I'm getting paid to do something I love. Balance is somewhat of a luxury for me right now, and unfortunately, because of the nature of my work, I miss out on a lot.
There's an image of a see/saw in my head sometimes when I think about the lack of balance in my life. I wonder whether the life side will ever strike a static parallel position to the work side and the ground. I don't know if that's even reasonable to consider. There's a part of me that truly believes there's really no such thing as work/life balance...it's just a concept designed to make us feel guilty about not making time for other people or purposes in our lives. Making us feel as though there are more balls than hands to catch them, but you must try, try, try...even though you know its a fool's game. I do believe in give and take though, and I also believe in creating moments instead of waiting for them to happen. Setting the stage for a memorable day is something I have become very good at, and I'm not ashamed to admit that my kids are totally aware when I'm doing it. But I think it's important to point out to children those moments that are not ordinary, and how to recognize when love is leaning right up against your shoulder. Throw your arm around it quick, before its gets away from you! I'll date myself a bit and say I live for these "Kodak Moments".
........
I am now finishing this post...four years later...and sometimes miss the days when the phone was ringing non-stop. I have found that magic balance between home and life. I got what I wished for...and I know the risks and rewards of it. While my business has decidedly taken a back seat to my life, I no longer make impulse purchases or book weekend getaways "just because". We're watching our pennies, dimes, nickels and every bit of currency we earn. The flip side is that our relationship has never been better, our kids never happier, our hearts never healthier. I may never be much more than a one-woman show with a manageable book of business, and that's ok. But I'll also never from a lack of love, food or happiness.
Funny thing about boats though, it's a struggle to find your balance. Once you do, it's walking on land again that feels odd. Balance; it's a perception that can change based on where your standing. I've been working so much lately that an hour with my kids in the evening feels something like a balance between work and home. I have worked strictly from home for five years, offering plenty of opportunity for a reasonable work/life balance. Keeping a balance while working at home for some might be finding the discipline every day to put in a full eight hours at your desk when you could just as easily be tackling the laundry, the gardening or answering another of ten thousand calls to action that you hear from every corner of your home life. For me, keeping balance means trying to wrap up a last minute call in order to dash down the stairs, eat dinner(without choking or working up a case of indigestion), only to run back up the stairs right after to take another call, check emails and respond to yet another inquiry from an excited/anxious candidate, and be available to help put the kids to bed...at 8:30 p.m. My day started at 6:00 with checking and responding to emails...and it pretty much ends the same way 14 hours later. It's partly self-induced, and partly due to the needs of the business. I love to be busy, to feel engaged and involved...and invested. At the end of the day, I'm serving people and I'm getting paid to do something I love. Balance is somewhat of a luxury for me right now, and unfortunately, because of the nature of my work, I miss out on a lot.
There's an image of a see/saw in my head sometimes when I think about the lack of balance in my life. I wonder whether the life side will ever strike a static parallel position to the work side and the ground. I don't know if that's even reasonable to consider. There's a part of me that truly believes there's really no such thing as work/life balance...it's just a concept designed to make us feel guilty about not making time for other people or purposes in our lives. Making us feel as though there are more balls than hands to catch them, but you must try, try, try...even though you know its a fool's game. I do believe in give and take though, and I also believe in creating moments instead of waiting for them to happen. Setting the stage for a memorable day is something I have become very good at, and I'm not ashamed to admit that my kids are totally aware when I'm doing it. But I think it's important to point out to children those moments that are not ordinary, and how to recognize when love is leaning right up against your shoulder. Throw your arm around it quick, before its gets away from you! I'll date myself a bit and say I live for these "Kodak Moments".
........
I am now finishing this post...four years later...and sometimes miss the days when the phone was ringing non-stop. I have found that magic balance between home and life. I got what I wished for...and I know the risks and rewards of it. While my business has decidedly taken a back seat to my life, I no longer make impulse purchases or book weekend getaways "just because". We're watching our pennies, dimes, nickels and every bit of currency we earn. The flip side is that our relationship has never been better, our kids never happier, our hearts never healthier. I may never be much more than a one-woman show with a manageable book of business, and that's ok. But I'll also never from a lack of love, food or happiness.
Up with the Birds, or The "Selfish" Mom
Most mornings I am up by 5:30, latest. I don't require an alarm anymore, unless you want to consider my hard-core commuting husband an early "morning" system. Since his bid for a flexible work schedule was granted in mid 2013, I find it increasingly more difficult to sleep past 5:00 am, which is about the time he is leaving the house for his job in Lexington. From 5 to 6 am is my time for contemplation, meditation and self-devotion. That may sound excessive, especially for a business owner with two very active elementary school-aged children, but I expect I am not alone in my daily ritual of "prayer" and introspection. I know a few people (mostly women) who spend hours each week flexing internal spiritual muscle and toning self-awareness. I hope they also share my attitude about spending time on oneself.
Sadly, it's not only common, it is long considered a social norm for women to put themselves last on the list of healthy personal engagement. I know too many Moms who declare they just don't have the time to work out, meditate, or read a good book. So when I talk about my "self-involved self-evolvement", it's not to compare value systems as much as to evaluate the effectiveness of a strong spiritual program. I really do wonder how other Mom's maintain physical/psychological/emotional balance if they aren't taking care of themselves. Do they all just get together and drink a lot of wine like on so many television shows? Don't get me wrong, I do like my wide-bulb glass of red something. But I need more than just an occasional night out with the girls to blow off a little steam. I need something lasting. And I have it!
Last year I was introduced to a book by Marianne Williamson called "A Return to Love". My sister-in-law sent it to me after a long, heart-felt conversation about my second separation from my husband. She had trouble describing it to me, likely because I was only half listening. I came away from that phone call thinking this was perhaps an attempt to convert me to Christianity. (While she is a born-again Christian, and we have had some spirited debates, KC has never really pushed her philosophies on me.) But I trusted she knew us well enough to know what the problem was, and even though she's no marriage counselor, she is an extremely good listener. Maybe this was an opening and an opportunity to show me why my marriage was a mess. And at this point, I was willing to try anything.
I opened the package the moment it hit my mail box, cracked the cover, and can say for the first time since reading my first Stephen King novel, I could NOT put it down. She was absolutely right, it was nothing like what I imagined it would be. It was not a self-help book on how to love your husband. It was not a guide to the perfect marriage or the latest celebrity guru offering nebulous, well intentioned advice on how your big problem all boiled down to a lack of sex. It had nothing whatsoever to do with fixing my marriage. It had everything to do with fixing my relationship with myself through fixing my relationship with (gulp) God.
It was an addicting read with a page-turning quality I had not experienced in years. And, as it turns out, there was nothing really wrong with either of us. We just had the wrong idea about what real love is, and what it isn't.
Now, if you know me, you know nothing will turn my stomach faster than bible thumping, sermon-filled monotheistic, cult-promoting organized religion. But that's what made this book special. There's nothing 'organized religion' about it. There is no set doctrine or belief system you have to adhere to get something out of it. It's a very simple statement of a simple fact. You have a direct, one-to-one relationship to a higher power. There is no middleman. There are no rules to how you must use it.
Just use it. Voila!!
If you ascribe to the stereotypical Zeus-like figure in cloud-colored robes rolling about the heavens and throwing his weight around, that's cool! Or maybe you prefer a more modern interpretation of a loving, light-filled, non-gender specific being...maybe even one that influences the weather, and all your decisions without your even being aware of it. Great! Or, perhaps you're even more ambivalent about religion, and just a strong believer in equal treatment and justice for all. Fantastic! But where ever you land on the spectrum, almost everyone believes in some force greater than themselves. And, if you don't, that's fine too....but I just have to wonder what YOU yell out in bed.
In any case, I'm surrounded by people who are church-going, doctrine-abiding, lay theologians in their own right. But I like to remain a free agent. Regardless, it seems people who have a regular spiritual program handle life's up and downs just a bit better than people who don't. Not to over simplify, but this makes me wonder if its only a matter of priority and perspective? I treat my spiritual "daily bread" as though it were part of my exercise routine. It's just something I do because it feels good and contributes to a happier day. Not that every day is guaranteed to be an absolute joy fest, but there's something to be said for having the emotional flexibility and foundation to roll with the punches, take the bumps and bruises, and keep on going. Especially when the hits just keep on coming, and bed time is another six hours away!
For me, it is both a matter of virtue and vindication to not get hung up on the irritations and minor infractions others may/may not intend to drop on my doorstep. That doesn't mean I always succeed. But I keep trying. If not just a matter of letting go of my ego, I need also to let go of the desire to personalize an injury. In other words, for a person who prefers to remain in good emotional balance, it becomes a habit of letting themselves and others "off the hook" for the minor and major trespasses done by them, or to them by others. After all, maybe what someone said/did had absolutely nothing to do with you. They're just having a bad day, and you happen to be a witness. And that's all you need to take with you. Leave the rest on the doorstep. The trash truck of time will be along shortly to haul it away.
More importantly, this kind of "love thy neighbor" good will is just as effective when applied to yourself. By listening closely to your inner dialogue and identifying those "voices" that are so mean you would never consider inviting them into your kitchen for coffee, you can get a lot of mental peace by showing them the door the moment they show up. Clearing accusations against yourself and others, and forgiving...on the spot...someone's misuse of your good will allows you to go about your day with a clear mind. Staying present and not reliving the past moments or thinking about how you 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' allows you a faster and more direct route to true perspective. Worry, regret, resentment...all keep a person tethered to a past moment and the future. Well, you're not in either of those places, are you? So, why "dwell" there? Staying attuned to what is going on right now is the key to happiness.
My final thought on self-evolvement: It is not selfish at all, it is actually self-less. What looks like daily naval gazing is actually a deep commitment to mankind. Asking for guidance on how to be a better person so that you can contribute your good works to the earth, and it's people, is an investment of yourself that pays major dividends to everyone around you. And even if you are praying for a new job, a reliable general contractor or a lottery win, hopefully you are spreading around some good karmic vibes while you're at it. But even if you don't meditate, I will tell you it's amazing what you can see, hear and feel at 5 o'clock in the morning.
Wine, Women and Wisdom: I usually end my blog posts with a wine suggestion. But as I've become more thoughtful about my diet, I don't have anything to suggest but this play on words:
"Abstinence makes the mind not wander"
Sadly, it's not only common, it is long considered a social norm for women to put themselves last on the list of healthy personal engagement. I know too many Moms who declare they just don't have the time to work out, meditate, or read a good book. So when I talk about my "self-involved self-evolvement", it's not to compare value systems as much as to evaluate the effectiveness of a strong spiritual program. I really do wonder how other Mom's maintain physical/psychological/emotional balance if they aren't taking care of themselves. Do they all just get together and drink a lot of wine like on so many television shows? Don't get me wrong, I do like my wide-bulb glass of red something. But I need more than just an occasional night out with the girls to blow off a little steam. I need something lasting. And I have it!
Last year I was introduced to a book by Marianne Williamson called "A Return to Love". My sister-in-law sent it to me after a long, heart-felt conversation about my second separation from my husband. She had trouble describing it to me, likely because I was only half listening. I came away from that phone call thinking this was perhaps an attempt to convert me to Christianity. (While she is a born-again Christian, and we have had some spirited debates, KC has never really pushed her philosophies on me.) But I trusted she knew us well enough to know what the problem was, and even though she's no marriage counselor, she is an extremely good listener. Maybe this was an opening and an opportunity to show me why my marriage was a mess. And at this point, I was willing to try anything.
I opened the package the moment it hit my mail box, cracked the cover, and can say for the first time since reading my first Stephen King novel, I could NOT put it down. She was absolutely right, it was nothing like what I imagined it would be. It was not a self-help book on how to love your husband. It was not a guide to the perfect marriage or the latest celebrity guru offering nebulous, well intentioned advice on how your big problem all boiled down to a lack of sex. It had nothing whatsoever to do with fixing my marriage. It had everything to do with fixing my relationship with myself through fixing my relationship with (gulp) God.
It was an addicting read with a page-turning quality I had not experienced in years. And, as it turns out, there was nothing really wrong with either of us. We just had the wrong idea about what real love is, and what it isn't.
Now, if you know me, you know nothing will turn my stomach faster than bible thumping, sermon-filled monotheistic, cult-promoting organized religion. But that's what made this book special. There's nothing 'organized religion' about it. There is no set doctrine or belief system you have to adhere to get something out of it. It's a very simple statement of a simple fact. You have a direct, one-to-one relationship to a higher power. There is no middleman. There are no rules to how you must use it.
Just use it. Voila!!
If you ascribe to the stereotypical Zeus-like figure in cloud-colored robes rolling about the heavens and throwing his weight around, that's cool! Or maybe you prefer a more modern interpretation of a loving, light-filled, non-gender specific being...maybe even one that influences the weather, and all your decisions without your even being aware of it. Great! Or, perhaps you're even more ambivalent about religion, and just a strong believer in equal treatment and justice for all. Fantastic! But where ever you land on the spectrum, almost everyone believes in some force greater than themselves. And, if you don't, that's fine too....but I just have to wonder what YOU yell out in bed.
In any case, I'm surrounded by people who are church-going, doctrine-abiding, lay theologians in their own right. But I like to remain a free agent. Regardless, it seems people who have a regular spiritual program handle life's up and downs just a bit better than people who don't. Not to over simplify, but this makes me wonder if its only a matter of priority and perspective? I treat my spiritual "daily bread" as though it were part of my exercise routine. It's just something I do because it feels good and contributes to a happier day. Not that every day is guaranteed to be an absolute joy fest, but there's something to be said for having the emotional flexibility and foundation to roll with the punches, take the bumps and bruises, and keep on going. Especially when the hits just keep on coming, and bed time is another six hours away!
For me, it is both a matter of virtue and vindication to not get hung up on the irritations and minor infractions others may/may not intend to drop on my doorstep. That doesn't mean I always succeed. But I keep trying. If not just a matter of letting go of my ego, I need also to let go of the desire to personalize an injury. In other words, for a person who prefers to remain in good emotional balance, it becomes a habit of letting themselves and others "off the hook" for the minor and major trespasses done by them, or to them by others. After all, maybe what someone said/did had absolutely nothing to do with you. They're just having a bad day, and you happen to be a witness. And that's all you need to take with you. Leave the rest on the doorstep. The trash truck of time will be along shortly to haul it away.
More importantly, this kind of "love thy neighbor" good will is just as effective when applied to yourself. By listening closely to your inner dialogue and identifying those "voices" that are so mean you would never consider inviting them into your kitchen for coffee, you can get a lot of mental peace by showing them the door the moment they show up. Clearing accusations against yourself and others, and forgiving...on the spot...someone's misuse of your good will allows you to go about your day with a clear mind. Staying present and not reliving the past moments or thinking about how you 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' allows you a faster and more direct route to true perspective. Worry, regret, resentment...all keep a person tethered to a past moment and the future. Well, you're not in either of those places, are you? So, why "dwell" there? Staying attuned to what is going on right now is the key to happiness.
My final thought on self-evolvement: It is not selfish at all, it is actually self-less. What looks like daily naval gazing is actually a deep commitment to mankind. Asking for guidance on how to be a better person so that you can contribute your good works to the earth, and it's people, is an investment of yourself that pays major dividends to everyone around you. And even if you are praying for a new job, a reliable general contractor or a lottery win, hopefully you are spreading around some good karmic vibes while you're at it. But even if you don't meditate, I will tell you it's amazing what you can see, hear and feel at 5 o'clock in the morning.
Wine, Women and Wisdom: I usually end my blog posts with a wine suggestion. But as I've become more thoughtful about my diet, I don't have anything to suggest but this play on words:
"Abstinence makes the mind not wander"
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