Most mornings I am up by 5:30, latest. I don't require an alarm anymore, unless you want to consider my hard-core commuting husband an early "morning" system. Since his bid for a flexible work schedule was granted in mid 2013, I find it increasingly more difficult to sleep past 5:00 am, which is about the time he is leaving the house for his job in Lexington. From 5 to 6 am is my time for contemplation, meditation and self-devotion. That may sound excessive, especially for a business owner with two very active elementary school-aged children, but I expect I am not alone in my daily ritual of "prayer" and introspection. I know a few people (mostly women) who spend hours each week flexing internal spiritual muscle and toning self-awareness. I hope they also share my attitude about spending time on oneself.
Sadly, it's not only common, it is long considered a social norm for women to put themselves last on the list of healthy personal engagement. I know too many Moms who declare they just don't have the time to work out, meditate, or read a good book. So when I talk about my "self-involved self-evolvement", it's not to compare value systems as much as to evaluate the effectiveness of a strong spiritual program. I really do wonder how other Mom's maintain physical/psychological/emotional balance if they aren't taking care of themselves. Do they all just get together and drink a lot of wine like on so many television shows? Don't get me wrong, I do like my wide-bulb glass of red something. But I need more than just an occasional night out with the girls to blow off a little steam. I need something lasting. And I have it!
Last year I was introduced to a book by Marianne Williamson called "A Return to Love". My sister-in-law sent it to me after a long, heart-felt conversation about my second separation from my husband. She had trouble describing it to me, likely because I was only half listening. I came away from that phone call thinking this was perhaps an attempt to convert me to Christianity. (While she is a born-again Christian, and we have had some spirited debates, KC has never really pushed her philosophies on me.) But I trusted she knew us well enough to know what the problem was, and even though she's no marriage counselor, she is an extremely good listener. Maybe this was an opening and an opportunity to show me why my marriage was a mess. And at this point, I was willing to try anything.
I opened the package the moment it hit my mail box, cracked the cover, and can say for the first time since reading my first Stephen King novel, I could NOT put it down. She was absolutely right, it was nothing like what I imagined it would be. It was not a self-help book on how to love your husband. It was not a guide to the perfect marriage or the latest celebrity guru offering nebulous, well intentioned advice on how your big problem all boiled down to a lack of sex. It had nothing whatsoever to do with fixing my marriage. It had everything to do with fixing my relationship with myself through fixing my relationship with (gulp) God.
It was an addicting read with a page-turning quality I had not experienced in years. And, as it turns out, there was nothing really wrong with either of us. We just had the wrong idea about what real love is, and what it isn't.
Now, if you know me, you know nothing will turn my stomach faster than bible thumping, sermon-filled monotheistic, cult-promoting organized religion. But that's what made this book special. There's nothing 'organized religion' about it. There is no set doctrine or belief system you have to adhere to get something out of it. It's a very simple statement of a simple fact. You have a direct, one-to-one relationship to a higher power. There is no middleman. There are no rules to how you must use it.
Just use it. Voila!!
If you ascribe to the stereotypical Zeus-like figure in cloud-colored robes rolling about the heavens and throwing his weight around, that's cool! Or maybe you prefer a more modern interpretation of a loving, light-filled, non-gender specific being...maybe even one that influences the weather, and all your decisions without your even being aware of it. Great! Or, perhaps you're even more ambivalent about religion, and just a strong believer in equal treatment and justice for all. Fantastic! But where ever you land on the spectrum, almost everyone believes in some force greater than themselves. And, if you don't, that's fine too....but I just have to wonder what YOU yell out in bed.
In any case, I'm surrounded by people who are church-going, doctrine-abiding, lay theologians in their own right. But I like to remain a free agent. Regardless, it seems people who have a regular spiritual program handle life's up and downs just a bit better than people who don't. Not to over simplify, but this makes me wonder if its only a matter of priority and perspective? I treat my spiritual "daily bread" as though it were part of my exercise routine. It's just something I do because it feels good and contributes to a happier day. Not that every day is guaranteed to be an absolute joy fest, but there's something to be said for having the emotional flexibility and foundation to roll with the punches, take the bumps and bruises, and keep on going. Especially when the hits just keep on coming, and bed time is another six hours away!
For me, it is both a matter of virtue and vindication to not get hung up on the irritations and minor infractions others may/may not intend to drop on my doorstep. That doesn't mean I always succeed. But I keep trying. If not just a matter of letting go of my ego, I need also to let go of the desire to personalize an injury. In other words, for a person who prefers to remain in good emotional balance, it becomes a habit of letting themselves and others "off the hook" for the minor and major trespasses done by them, or to them by others. After all, maybe what someone said/did had absolutely nothing to do with you. They're just having a bad day, and you happen to be a witness. And that's all you need to take with you. Leave the rest on the doorstep. The trash truck of time will be along shortly to haul it away.
More importantly, this kind of "love thy neighbor" good will is just as effective when applied to yourself. By listening closely to your inner dialogue and identifying those "voices" that are so mean you would never consider inviting them into your kitchen for coffee, you can get a lot of mental peace by showing them the door the moment they show up. Clearing accusations against yourself and others, and forgiving...on the spot...someone's misuse of your good will allows you to go about your day with a clear mind. Staying present and not reliving the past moments or thinking about how you 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' allows you a faster and more direct route to true perspective. Worry, regret, resentment...all keep a person tethered to a past moment and the future. Well, you're not in either of those places, are you? So, why "dwell" there? Staying attuned to what is going on right now is the key to happiness.
My final thought on self-evolvement: It is not selfish at all, it is actually self-less. What looks like daily naval gazing is actually a deep commitment to mankind. Asking for guidance on how to be a better person so that you can contribute your good works to the earth, and it's people, is an investment of yourself that pays major dividends to everyone around you. And even if you are praying for a new job, a reliable general contractor or a lottery win, hopefully you are spreading around some good karmic vibes while you're at it. But even if you don't meditate, I will tell you it's amazing what you can see, hear and feel at 5 o'clock in the morning.
Wine, Women and Wisdom: I usually end my blog posts with a wine suggestion. But as I've become more thoughtful about my diet, I don't have anything to suggest but this play on words:
"Abstinence makes the mind not wander"
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