GreenSoul - 1st Entry

Well, I'm pretty sure I've finally lost it. It was unavoidable, really. Anything worth holding on to is also worth grieving over once it's gone. Possessions, objects of sentimental value, money, sanity...that's right, sanity. I'm not alone. I see the same look on the many faces I see at the grocery store, the subway, standing in line at the bank. Loss...lots and lots of loss and the sense that you just misplaced it and need to figure out how to get it back. So many of us aren't all that prepared to deal with it, and we're not thrilled about what it really says about us. But the loss of your lifestyle is painful and confusing. I look like I'm fine with it, but really...I'm confused. It's a funny look actually. It's the facial expression best described as a fretful distraction and disconnection. The look one wears when searching unsuccessfully for keys, gloves or sunglasses while someone patiently waits for them. I can't pinpoint exactly what month, week or day this began to happen to me but I'm pretty sure it was in between the last week of June and today...the 24th of September 2009, I finally lost my composure and began to display this look, this behavior, regularly. The look of distraction, disconnection...loss.

Did you grow up like me? Work hard, follow your gut, take calculated risks, believe in yourself and you will achieve your dreams. Did those dreams include the idea that maybe you could do just a bit better than your parents? The house, the car, the college fund and the annual two week vacation...these were basic ideals (not all are needs...just wants). And it didn't seem unachievable, and you didn't have a sense of entitlement about it. You knew what you had to do, and damn it, you were happy to make the necessary sacrifices. Did you ever question the foundation of your value system? Well, I am doing that right now. And, to be honest, it's a really big challenge. How do you change a trajectory that you spent most of your life following...over night?! I have to create a whole new version of my personal American Dream. It's going to be wildly different...and I'm not sure whether I'm going to like it. Live more with less...of everything. Let go of capitalism, materialism...all the ism's. Can I genuinely embrace this? I know it's right, but it's definitely not easy.