Snakes and Butterflies

I give a lot of advice lately to my 13 year-old daughter in an effort to help her navigate the beauty and brutality of the world around her as she “teen-ages”.  The memories trapped in my mind from Junior High (her Middle School) may be dusty, but the sense of excitement, fear, confusion and transcendence is fresh as dirt.  She’s way smarter than me…I know she’ll be fine.

I tell her almost every day “love yourself first”.  She thinks she knows what this means, but it so much more complex than anyone her age can really appreciate. Actually, it’s hard for people of all ages to remember to love themselves. In the midst of a moment we don’t even realize we are participating in mini acts of self-destruction, all chipping away at our self-worth.  And I don’t mean the obvious ones relative to physical and emotional self-care, I mean the little messages you send yourself all day long. We are not only distracted by our distractions, but we are in a constant state of judgement about them as well…something is either good or bad, right or wrong. 

When we are caught up in these streams of thought, checking out of the present moment robs us of our ability to stay connected to ourselves.  Our minds are almost always “somewhere else”.  This is often where we are focused most of the time.  It’s the equivalent to emotional snacking between meals.  We spend so much time chewing on mental minutia between the fortifying 3-5 fundamental meals of our every day, it’s no wonder we all feel so exhausted.  Drained.  Flightless.  (For example my 3-5 meals; caring for myself, caring for loved ones, work, play, rest)

I realized this morning there is a fair bit of hypocrisy in my advice to her, and I wondered how many others are, like me, struggling to be true to themselves and others?  I bet it’s most of us…maybe, all of us…except for monks.  They seem to have their shit together.

I realized that in order for me to take my own advice, I needed to examine my every day routines, thought patterns, and monitor my stream of consciousness regularly.  There are too many moments of distraction that I fear are undermining this “call to love”.  

  

While I can’t get back all the time I have wasted wondering and worrying about the minutia, I decided to try and “trap” these moments so I can really look at them, understanding them for what they are, and learn from them.  I am calling this list “Snakes and Butterflies”… and not because I have anything against snakes, or I think butterflies are the most awesome representation of self-love (primarily because they have a super short life span), but more for the feelings each invokes. Many people are afraid of snakes, and the sense of foreboding that image evokes may be enough to let you know you’re about to step off your path and stumble into the underbrush of self-compromise.  If you’re not afraid of snakes (like me) than you can at least appreciate the religious and cross-cultural multi-metaphors snakes illicit; deceit, insidiousness, predatory, opportunistic, and influential…well, that’s more a biblical reference.

In either case, whether you see something as a snake or a butterfly, either can be caught in a “trap” to be examined, then kept, released, or disposed of.  Not every butterfly needs to be released, and not every snake should be disposed of…some of them you can keep because they serve a higher purpose.  Just don’t feed the butterflies to the snakes…that’s mean.   

Everyone I know has difficulty setting boundaries, limits and monitoring their stream of consciousness.  Even though I am aware and understand what it is to “be present in the moment” that doesn’t mean I’m always great at it.  In fact, many days, I fail spectacularly.  So, this is my list.  Not all will apply so add other items that are unique to you:

Setting up your traps:

Give it a couple of days, maybe a week.  Any time you find yourself participating in one of these activities, check the column it feels most like.  Did this thought/activity feel heavy, dark, or fearful?  It’s a snake.  Did it feel light, inspiring, uplifting?  It’s a butterfly. 

See this as an opportunity to create more self-awareness and please DO NOT judge yourself regardless of how many snakes or butterflies you trap.  Both have value and serve a higher purpose.  This is just an exercise in figuring out what you’re thinking about/doing with your one wild and precious life*.  What you do with the information is up to you.

                                                                                Traps

Boundaries;                                             Snakes             Butterflies

What you tell others about you

            

Giving/receiving advice & help

Work/social commitments

Spending time/money on others

Chasing down people

Favors (offering)

Limits;                                        

            

Cell phone/Computer time

    Facebook/Pinterest, etc.

Working

Phone calls

Eating/Drinking

Chores/Housekeeping

Exercise

Shopping         

Stream of Consciousness;

What/why am I thinking about:

Myself (note details on another page)

Another person

      In any one of these;

   relationship

   situation

                           personal habit

                           professional problem

   conversation

                              (real or imagined) 

                           past moment

                           potential moment

                           near future

   distant future

                          

Some good follow on questions…again, don’t judge yourself or your answers.  Just be aware:

Do you see any patterns emerging?  Can you figure out which activities, people or situations are taking up most of your mental time?  Are these activities, people or situations serving you or are they draining you?  Can you find a mantra, phrase, poem or single word to bring your mind back to what you are doing in the moment? Does this repeating this mantra (or whatever you choose) help to bring perspective, lower stress or create more awareness and make you feel lighter?     

            

*Thank you, Mary Oliver, for coining that awesome phrase.